The Difference a Day Makes
when you don’t have it anymore.
Yesterday, we found out mom’s flight itenerary was moved up a day.
It’s not that we had plans set in stone, and we were trying to stay flexible.
But, now…a day means a day.
A day we don’t have.
And we have today…full of details and “normal”…trying to stay “normal” one last day.
And we have 2 hours at best tomorrow afternoon. My brothers will come in.
And we’ll do “normal” for a few hours.
And then…it’s life with two family members in Iraq most likely.
People ask me often to let them know if they can do anything, if I need anything. I guess the trouble is, I don’t know what I need. It’s just hard. I’m not worried really. Not anxious. It’s just a lot to take in. I can’t live in denial. Military wives are MUCH better at this than I am. I’m not used to having my world rocked and things that are supposed to stay the same changing. Like my mom deciding to move to Ir*q.
Most days, I just have odd things like mouth ulcers disrupting what meals I feel like eating. Jaws sore from clenching my teeth at night. Emotional drainage seeping from who knows where. Just numb.
I think it’s God’s will that we are this far. He has spoken. I am not to argue with it, and I won’t.
At the same time, if I were to speak in computer terms…some days, I just run out of RAM. That random access processing energy needed for the things in life. You know, when the system shuts down and freezes up and may be going, but very slowly. It needs a whole reboot. And I’ve been rebooting a lot lately. I must be build like an IBM. What do I do? Pray that God will rebuild me into a MAC? 😀 Maybe so.
I guess a MAC faith would say, “I was built for this. I was designed with this season in mind. I am built for these challenges. They do not phase me because I am preparing. I do not feel prepared, but I am a MAC, and MACs can do what they were built to do. I do not have to fear because my Maker made me for this job. He made us all for this job.”
Yeah. I guess that does sound better. Having my doubts gone. Geez. I’m not even sure right now that I can navigate the enemy of my disposition: the US Post Office. That is stretching me. I do not even know what postage is currently.
Mom and I are having odd conversations, like,
Mom: “But we barely see each other now you’re so busy.”
“True, but we breath the same air.”
Mom” “Yeah, I guess we can just have to look at the same sky instead.”
“Is it the same sky [twelve hours difference?]”
“I don’t know.”
“What are your favorite treats for me to send?”
“No, I don’t know.”
“Well, anything with coconut.”
“What’s coconut in?”
“Almond Joy, Mounds.”
“UGH! No. Never would have picked that in a million years.”
“Do you have a key to my house?”
“I don’t know. I have about three.”
There are a lot of things I could say as to what it means to have someone near. Not because you do a lot together, but just because it means security, support, assistance, availability, help cooking…but most of those things would only bring tears today. Extra tears most of us don’t want or need. I’ve not be at all sure what to say to be helpful. Do you say all on your heart just in case you never get to say it again? Or do you walk in faith and just know, that at some point, it’s already been said, or implied. To make us all stronger, you bank on the relationship, not the words.
I’m going with plan B. Simply because faith and strength will speak more loudly than emotion and what we all already know. Both of us at this point will say to one another: “Nope. Don’t even go there. Not now. Don’t get me started with all that.”
So…strength. Confidence. Faith. Prayers. Hope. Support. Those things I guess are what is needed. I’ve felt the prayers, have needed them, and keep relying on them and on the Lord who upholds us all with his Mighty Right Hand now and forever.
Entry filed under: Everyday.