Calling?

If there was a teacher who was teaching three news classrooms with three different age students than she was used to…that person feels like me as a mom each year.  I am challenged, invigorated, and fatigued by the changing responsibilities all at the same time.

Right now, coming home from church or for the weekend and having everyone sit to watch TV while there are dishes to be emptied, re-filled, tables to be wiped a floor to be swept, clothes to be fluffed and folder…learning to keep working my job in joy is my job.

And training them to help.

I’m working on both.

And it’s taking all I’ve got.

No…I don’t know how working moms do it…at all.  Nor would I want to have to try.

I thought after they were out of diapers it would be easier, but the papers mound, the floor is still needing the same attention it always did, more or less, and the clutter and play of five is about enough to drive me bonkers.

Today the preacher talked about finding your calling.  I don’t know…I’ve had times in my life where I was called, and times where I asked God for things and he answered.  I don’t know if I’m walking in my ultimate calling or not, or what little thing I might have said or did really made a difference while all the jobs and roles may mean little.  A video we watched said that sometimes it’s not so much about what we do and or where we are as much as who we are and are becoming.  Perhaps that is true to some extent.  Right now, I know I am a mom and I’m becoming a mom, and it’s taking all I’ve got to be up for the job.

To have the laundry ready, surfaces cleaned for a meal, cooking done and cleaned and some odd jobs done for different ones…that’s all the time I have each day.

I volunteer here and there.  I help out here and there.  I teach some.  And whether than amounts to a calling or not, I don’t know.  I just know it’s all I can handle right now and then some.

Household manager…and lacking most days in all that needs to be done while I’m here.  But, hopefully I’m getting caught up, a bit at a time.  A drawer here, a closet there, a pile here, a refrigerator there.  Hopefully it will all get done eventually.  I can’t say I’m “finding joy” in doing it…but I feel like it’s my job and what I’m supposed to be focused on this season.  Much has not been gone through in a while and it’s starting to all feel heavy and crowded and is taxing.  So…that’s my great calling.  To just keep going.  I feel tired a lot of the day, and I’m drinking a lot of coffee and keeping a lot of mental lists.  All in all, it doesn’t matter.  And all-in-all, it does.

I read questions like, “If today was your last day to live, would it really matter?  Would you do the same thing you are doing today?”

I don’t think that’s a good question to ask.  I think I good question to ask is, “Lord, what work have you entrusted to me today, and what needs to be done next?”

Because, no…if it were my last day, I would not care about the dishes.  But, knowing it is my job and it’s the next thing that needs to be done, it is my act of worship and service to my family to wash the dishes.

So…in all the volunteering and serves and working and calling and ordinary…there is joy.  I find joy in knowing I’ve done a little…not so much in the realization that there is much to go.  Hopefully as I get caught up and spaces cleaned, there will be mounting joy in finishing.  And hopefully I will get some bonus things done in the meantime that are on my “etc.” lists and my “want to” lists and my “giving” list.

This week, I made and sent out eight cards.  That was a bonus thing that gave me joy.

I feel tired a lot lately and somewhat overwhelmed by all that must be done.  But, I am thankful to have the time, the health, and the support to be here to do it.  I hope it bears fruit and trust that it will.

In all that, knowing that people are first is a huge challenge because after tackling messes all day, loving people is the last thing on my mind.  Whipping them into shape seems to be the predominating thought!  Maintain it!  Hopefully that will also bear fruit, and they feel loved by the treats and order and just people doing what needs to be done around them faithfully and consistently.

For now, time to get out of these little 2″ pumps and out of this skirt and into some Sunday afternoon comfy clothes before hospital visits and worship planning and clothes folding.  {Whew.}  I make myself a little tired just talking about it lately, so there is more “doing” than “writing about the doing”!

Just touching base…

Maggie

There is Nothing to Wear!

This morning, Red got up and I sent him and his sister to get dressed.

He requested pancakes, so I got busy on that.  I was a little short on the Bisquick, so I was digging for some self-rising flour to make up the extra.

I was assessing the amount of oil I might need to add to make up for the shortage when I heard Red stomp to the kitchen disgustedly yelling, uncharacteristically:  “AGH!  I have NOTHING to wear!  None of my clothes are in there!  There is NOTHING to wear!  Mom, there is NOTHING in here that matches.”

I said, “Son, that is impossible.  I just washed everything you own this weekend.  You’ve had clothes to wear all summer.  What’s wrong?”

“There is nothing in there!” he cried, adding some tears and reducing himself to a heap on the floor.

This is not my child who is the first out of bed, and usually the first to get dressed.

I said, “We’ll go check on it together, okay?  Sister, see if you can pull down the top box of his shirts where he can see and see if that helps.”

She tried, bless her heart, but I could hear a small ruckus beginning, so I dropped by pancake ordeal and went in myself.

I soon realized the problem.  Last year, I sorted all his clothes for him by things that went together.  This year, in the new system, all his shorts are in one container, and his shirts in another.  Though there are TONS of clothes, he could not manipulate the sorting and matching.  So…we pulled EVERYTHING out and began pairing things quickly.  I put them together in a new way for him, as a smile began to wash over his face.  “Okay, so…can you find something you like now?  Better?”

He kept working on the leftover things while I finished pancakes.

I just got home and had to rearrange some things where he could now reach them better as well.

I shared with my oldest son, as I will now share with my readers, that my Mom last week was told of a position in Iraq that might suit her, working at the same base as Pop.  Let me just tell you, managing “going back to school”, losing my kids, and the prospect of losing my mom in the same week was quite the act of strength and dignity.  It is the Lord Jesus I serve, and none other, or that week would not have flown.  I basically had to put it on the back burner until I had all the kids settled and tended to on their big week.

We don’t know yet if they will hire her, but her resume has been sent in.

Yesterday in worship, the first song, it was mom and I only in my pew, worshiping together.  The Hub was at work, kids in children’s church.  When we got to “from shore to shore” in the song…that was the last straw.

By greeting time, I lost it.  I saw my SIL, and collapsed on her, not to let go.   I said, “I just don’t think I can do this.”

She ever so eloquently said, “Yeah, you can.  Let me get you out of here.”

Can I just say that I like those two sentences paired together.  Not, “Yeah, you can.  Stop sobbing on me.” or “Yeah, you can, toughen up.”  or “Yeah, you can, now let’s get back to worship.”  Nope, none of that.  “Yeah, you can…let’s get you out of here for a minute.”

We prayed, and she reminded me of all the things I knew, and I straightened up to teach my first new Sunday School class of the season with kid’s expectantly waiting on a teacher to wow then with fun and cheer.

I even had the opportunity at the end of the service to pray for my mom at the altar.  But, by then, I was ready.

Anyway, I woke to another day feeling weighted by this thing way too big for me to even begin to process in any lucid way.  And I walked back in to all the piles needing to be put together understandably for my Red, and I remembered a verse from The Message I read once a long time ago that I liked.  I just sat down to look it up.  It says,

“God, pick up the pieces. Put me back together again. You are my praise!”

Jeremiah 17:14

I know that when I feel squeamish, like Red, and in those times when I am on a heap in the floor insisting nothing goes together, even getting tearful at times, not seeing it all…God is telling me, “But, that can’t be, I have it all ready for you!  I know it’s all there.”  I know He sends other to help me, and that even He himself, My Helper, comes to show me how it all fits together. And I know, that I too, in those moments, will feel a smile wash over me and joy return.  Countless times a day.

Grabbing Up Time with Kids

This year, the oldest is starting middle school, which means there is an hour between the time his school starts and I take the younger.  Then, I have the two younger for 45 minutes in the afternoon.  I’m looking for creative ways to build in special times with them in that time, rather than wishing it away (which is hard…we sat in the van 45 minutes yesterday with the air on high, still hot).

We may use the bus at some point, esp. in the morning, but  this morning, I had a great time with my oldest.  We drove to the trail and walked, and jogged, and raced, and he acted silly and I took pictures.  It was a vacation within a day.  And…he told me about things that happened yesterday he didn’t mention today.  And, I know to pray for him in new ways.  And ask about different things.  I am so thankful for this morning.

Yeah, you only think you are beating me

Devote yourselves to prayer, being watchful and thankful.

Colossians 4:2

Father Prayer

Lord,

You are.

You are blessing and honoring and moving.

I see it.

Help me to trust you more.

Not melt down when I don’t have to; or be afraid to melt down when I need to; 

Oh, if I knew the fine line between the two!

Help me to keep loving and trusting and praying

Not fearing and dreading and losing hope 

Able to cry; not crying too much

Laughing, savoring, preparing…

Not freezing up–despairing.

Reveal yourself to me

Every hug, every song over me

Every butterfly, drop of rain,

Everything!

Pointing to You

Provision, trust, hope, help,

Meeting needs,

“Keeping”; Not abandoning

 Never!

Father.  Father.  Father!  Father.  FATHER.

Father, you are to me.

I am  your child

Trusting.

Help me to trust you, and depend on you

You hear me when I beg you to!

Bless and keep us all.

Amen. 

Weak Mom?

Well, today was the second trial day on a checklist.  I have to say, it was a disaster and not all that helpful, except to prove how much time is being wasted on grumbling.  “Where is my favorite shirt?  I don’t like any of these!”  “What is for breakfast?  I don’t want cereal?”  “I’m not hungry yet!” 

Oh, mercy.  It’s going to be an uphill journey of mountain proportions.  I think I need some ice cream.  It’s 8:05. 

I made a decision, though.  I’m not dropping the kids off for now.  I’m walking in with them even if I have to park at the uttermost.  I can’t get in either lot right now, but we parked in a grassy lot and walked.  It just flows better if I know they’ve got what they need for the day for sure before I leave and go home.  Red wanted me to still walk him in…and I’ve felt like people probably think I’m a codependant Mom.  But, I’m not. 

Not much.

I am a Mom with 2-3 friends here who have sons and daughers going to college this year.  They blog and comment and weep and wail and long and crave for one more hand to hold to walk into school.  And you know what?  If that little boy says to me, “But, Mom, I still want you to walk me INTO school.  I don’t want to be dropped off.”  Well, then that’s what I’m going to do for as long as I can.  Because there is nothing in this whole wide world I’d rather do that hold a six year old red head little boys hand into the school and sit and listen to his friends talk about goblins in the room they can sneeze on.  It just doesn’t get any better than that. 

Besides, it’s fun and somehow a comic relief to watch other capable and bright people try to control children in the morning.  Just puts a smile on my face.   They just keep doing it over and over and over and over with intensity and passion.  And I think to myself, “Self, you can do that, too.”

That’s what is inspiring about walking your child into school.  If you can, do it.  Go through the process, sign in, get the pass, and look like a parent who can’t let go.  Feel a little weak.  Have your child make fun of your “farm hat” as my child said of my straw hat I threw over a very unsightly ponytail.  In fact, I probably still smell like sweat and dog.  But, there is nothing better than being able to tell my guy, “You know, I would have walked all the way from Rite Aid if you wanted me to walk you to school.  Thanks for asking.”  I got so many little waves and hugs and kisses today…I think I just might make it until 10:00 without any ice cream.  :D

I think I’d better grab some breakfast.

Maggie 

Thursday

11:23 AM.  Just getting home from the school.  Volunteered making copies.  Went pretty well, won’t bore you with that, except to say that I practiced all my new “skills” today.  I had the power, pumping the machine.  Copiers have sure come a long way, baaby.

Both boys have sick stomachs with diarrhea (sp?) from the first day’s school pizza.

Today is the last day I could go in with Nathan, really.  Security requires me to go to the other end of the building and sign in.  I think he’s ready.  I don’t know if I am or not.   Caught me by surprise.  I’ll get there.  I love that little guy.

Went by to visit Mom…she’s FINALLY back in town.  Shared some news and finally…got us BOTH ice cream.  Two cones with chocolate dip.  Good tip, KV!

Got home, revisited the first day’s “lists” I’ve made up for the kids for this AM.  (If they get all checks except two, they get their week’s treat, if not, they don’t.)  There are 13-15 items, in order they need to be done, on each list.  I used a Microsoft Works preformed template, not the best in the world, but it was fast and colorful and a good starting point.  I realized today the list had them packing snacks before they did teeth and shoes…nope.  I need to reverse that order.  Once we start thinking about food, things go downhill fast as far as time.  So, that’s last– if they have time.  I even added a basic chore for each child this year.  (Check 3 kitchen trash cans, ask mom for kitchen chore, or feed Daisy scraps). 

Those little things help me a lot, too.

Hopefully I can maintain my morning shower after I walk Daisy Dog–let me tell you, yesterday, it was speculative.  Everyone seems so scatterbrained it was laughable… yet, not funny either!  So…I hope to be owing Wonderboy a video game rental, Red a matchbox car, and haven’t come up with Goldilocks anything yet, scratch that, everyone gets two bucks.  Gifts were getting too unequal and complicated.

Anyway, just having the list is a gift for Goldilocks, my list-making machine.  She begged for it.

Off to the grand excitement of laundry, today’s menu planning (tight tonight with PTSO), and hopefully a bit of quiet time before the kids invade.  I have three precious hours left to whip this place into shape, and myself into shape.  Mark, get set.  Go!

~Maggie 

Wednesday

Today I’ve been looking at some break maker recipes to try to see what my options are and know what I need to have on hand to make fresh bread for dinner.  People have been surprised when I tell them that you don’t even need a bowl or a spoon.  You dump all the ingredients into the mixer basket, push a button; it literally mixes, kneads, rises, rests, rises for the second time, then cooks the bread to perfection.  You don’t move it!  It’s quite an amazing little invention.  I’ve enjoyed just the technology that goes into something like that…and much more so for 5 bucks (thrift stores are the best fun going).  My model is only 2-3 years old.  I’m thrilled to have it for fun.  Gee, you’d spend that much on a movie.  And, I can eat the results.  People, that’s luxury.  

I tried a new chocolate chip bread recipe tonight and it was much better.  First, I realized I accidentally picked up the wrong flour.  (I picked up self rising when I reached to get bread flour.)  Let’s just say that you don’t want to use self-rising AND yeast, the bread gets heavy and stiff…as it did last night.  I think the yeast over activates and almost cancels itself out.  “A little yeast works through the whole dough”?  Well, a lot of yeast just knocks itself out!  Perhaps there is a spiritual principle of moderation/balance in there I need to hear!  LOL.

Actually, there were no  “chocolate chips”–they dissolve in the warm dough.  I may try chunks for chocolate remnants.  I’d like that to go with coffee in the winter.  For now, we drizzled with Hershey’s chocolate and had a tall glass of milk with it for after school treat.  (Update:  Also, GREAT with butter substitute.  Daughter asked me if she had to use her “extra” money for chores to pay for it today!  Must be a favorite already!)

I still want a good recipe for supper time.  I’ve heard that oatmeal is a family favorite, but I wonder how heavy it is.  Probably very moist.

Daisy was much stronger tonight.  Limping at first in her retreivals, but then getting stronger as her muscles toned up a bit.  She was running for shorter fetches.  I tried not to throw them too long.  She was getting her appetite back, but she is favouring the doggie bisquits and pizza over dog food.  She is getting to where she just won’t touch dog food at all…the kids left over cereal seems a fav.  She keeps sniffing around the back door where we bring her treats.  The kids like putting it high to make her stand up for it.  She knocked the screen out of the screen door doing that!

I moved the wrought iron swing from the front porch back to my bedroom porch; we sit there in the evening and let her chase a ball around our feet.  It’s fun to use  a side of the yard and house we never enjoyed before.  She’s brought new life to the place.  She likes to dig holes in the yard if we don’t give her mid-day play, I’ve found…but, it’s too darn hot to play right now.  Another heat wave tomorrow, and then a chance of rain.  Several big fires in the area and water rations.

I volunteered to make copies at the school for one of the teachers who I’ve noticed working too late too often.  She trained me today.  I start tomorrow.  I have a new job.  Another one without pay, albeit, but the best kind–lots of joy and no strings.  By grace.  There is nothing more fun than being able to help for the joy of it. 

I thought I’d volunteer for things I like to do before I “got volunteered” for a lot of things I don’t particularly get a lot of joy out of.  I hope that is “serving according to the grace given you” as the Bible verse says…that’s how to live in a state of rest, or one way.   They asked me yesterday to be on an Instructional Committee, but I’m not very sure what that entails as of yet.  Sounds like a fun way to get to know people, and who knows, make a difference or two.

Today was a moody day.  I felt very out of sorts without my kids here.   That comes and goes every day still.  I was so busy last year I hardly knew they were gone.  Now, I can here the sound of my own thoughts so loudly.  It’s disconcerting, a bit.  I did meet several goals yesterday,  maintained today, but didn’t get any extra things done.  I’m trying to get my scrapbooking stuff off my table, or do it daily.  It’s fun to work when hubby is studying in the same room.  Reminds me of college days.  

The season?  Changing…new.  Different.  Roles different.  Time different.  Setting different.  Hobbies changing.  Priorities and schedule different.  A good thing.  An odd feeling.  I look forward to what God has for me. 

Stressful, but at the same time, joyful, relaxed, right.  At the same time?  The schedule has to run on time or nothing seems to work well.  A good, new season.  Forcing me into a level of motherhood I’ve not experienced yet with toddlers where you just keep them alive and it’s a good day.  Now…it’s “making the paths for their feet level” (another psalm I’ve remembered a lot lately for inspiration). 

What is your new season?

~Maggie 

First Day of School

The kids seemed to have a good day overall.

Red has a disciplinarian teacher.  My mom used to tell me, “You are there to learn.”

I think it’s a good fit for him, honestly.  I do hope that they do some “bonding”.  He needs it.  He told me today that she had wrinkley skin like some “peoples” do.  (His new word, “peoples”…cracks me up).  I said, what do you mean “wrinklety”…in what way?  He said, “like grandma, only some skinnier”.  True. 

I said, “Did you hug her yet?”

He said, “I don’t hug wrinklety people.  That’s why I just give Grandma a pinkie shake these days.”

We had a talk.

The guy is getting discriminating with his women at age 6, even those who give him sugar treats?  Come on, now.  We have a problem.

Goldilocks loved her new teachers…her writing teacher, especially.  She wanted to know “stuff about them”…things they like and don’t like.  Their favorite colors.  She was very impressed by that.

Her main home room teacher has a way of clapping and getting them to echo her back when she needs them to get quiet to say something important.  She clapps rhythms.  I was in there one hour after school started and “bam”, clapping.

Very cool.  You mean I could have been clapping?

Wonderboy loved his teachers also.  Except for one sub who he called “mean”.  Again, I tend to favor “mean subs” because they have to plow their way and keep order when they have few tools or materials to do so. They can’t “bond” with the kids…they just have to do the job.  But, he said they did 2nd grade worksheets for busywork, so I don’t blame him for complaining some.  Probably not her fault.

They all LOVED the chicken patties at lunch.  It may very well be the best chicken patties on the planet from what I could tell.

Goldilocks can’t take snacks at all to school for recess because a child in her class has a very severe peanut allergy.  I feel like less than a real mom to not even send an apple just for sport.  But, the rules say, for now, until they get a good list to us, only drinks.  Okay…I’ll do it.  But, you better be getting me that list!

I saw my oldest Wonderboy during his recess time…it’s his last event of the day, which works out well for us, because he plays HARD. 

Misty and I chatted by phone for our best 40 minute chat I think we’ve ever fit in without kids interuppting.  It was like a huge party of observations:  “I wonder what they are doing keeping them out so late…it’s almost time to go!  Wow.  2:25, still outside?  Do you see anything?  Me neither.  Buses?  I’m not sure.  You did WHAT when you were little?  No way!  See, I’ll see if I can embarrass my son and keep honking at him on the playground until he waves.  Oops…he’s walking toward me.  He’s going to get into trouble….yup, he just got into trouble.  Oh well.  It was a fun sport, eh?”

I just now spent like three hours filling out forms that HAVE to be returned tomorrow.  Most of it, I’ve already filled out in admissions forms.  Much like being in the hospital–apparently no one communicates with anyone else. 

So…tonight was Long John Silver’s night. I want to highly recommend to you the little advertised green beans and rice.  VERY good.   Cuts down on the whole “grease-aroni” feast.

Finally, my dog encountered HUGE full grown dog #2 again tonight on our family walk.  It wasn’t fun, she was uptight, we had to keep her pulled tight, she was pulling a LOT, hubby had to take over, and she swung herself around me, knocked my feet out from under me, and sent me sailing into the blacktop while I was walking uphill.  Yes, I yelled at her.  It was not a mean yell, but it was an appropriate yell for such an occasion. 

I think I’m caught up…except on laundry…three more loads to go tonight. 

I just canned my first five jars of crushed tomatoes from the garden!  I want to do some juice if I have one more canning left…messy, but worth it.  I think, in pints, if I have some.

Later!

Maggie

Thank You for Praying!

Okay, so three kids in a new school in one day is pretty overwhelming for everyone.  But, they are funny in their anxiety.

Red said last night, stroking teddy, who he’s pretty much abandoned all summer, “Dad, I think teddy is a little scared.”

And he tells me today, “I AM NOT AFRAID!”, punching me in the leg rather hard for suggesting such a weakness.

He’s having the toughest time today.  New, new, new, new.  It’s a lot to ask. 

Mommy is holding up well, a few tears, and a lot of distraction.  Misty (sidebar) and CJ (private blogger) came over to have tea and cantaloupe with me, and to swap stories and talk about girl stuff.  That was so fun.  Thank you! 

Now…I need to go shop for some doggie stuff, water for my mom, who felt it a good idea to take a 2 week vacation right when school started and I’m melting down, as is her custom.  Is that allowed?    Then, I need to get some snacks ready, and find something to cook for supper, and go get the kids!  Already?!  One hour left! 

Gotta RUN!

 Maggie

Mulling Me

You know what I love about reading other people’s blogs? About the time I think I have nothing to write about and nothing to say and I’m the least interesting person on the earth, someone writes something, and it’s not even that the “thing” hits me directly, but their passion, and open-ness, and truth just taps that untapped part of me that itches…not the kind of itch that you know right where it is and can scratch it…no, the overall sort of fuzzy itching that just lays latent, begging for that kind of dog-ear scratching a dog needs and basks in, even if he wasn’t really itching at the time.  

What reading today brought out of me in my little “sit down spell” (after cleaning the porch and seeing a zillion things around here I’m behind on) was that I’m feeling a fuzzy-itchy, almost disappointed, but too-blessed-to-be-disappointed “thing”.

Why? I don’t yet know. I’m doing exactly what I want to be doing, all the time. I’m utterly passionate about ALL of it, and there is no better way to work than to do things because you absolutely love them from the depths of your heart!  THAT is BLESSED!  And… there is nothing greater than being able to limit yourself to try to keep priorities in line with family!  AND…I have no real desire or need at this time “to work”, thank God.  (I can’t say that I do the “home” thing well either, my mind just runs all the time, looking for energy outlets, but I love the position, and I think they are keeping me for a while).

But, just for the thinking, I was driving home today from teaching and I thought to myself:

Self, did you realize that this year, you’ve driven 60 miles a day, volunteered at least 20 hours a week (not including blogging and peripheral ministry to friends and such, not including mothering and wife-ing, which are , in essence, volunteer time.)  You have a double major, graduated with a 4.0, were the first in your college class, you are 33, and you still do not make a dime.  And, that’s okay, but is that they way you always want to live?

I have just been thrilled to be past “toddler years” with my young ones and have some time of my own to give this year, so the 20 hours felt GREAT!  They rounded me out.   But, on the other hand, it’s costing me to work.  Repeat, I drive 60 miles a day.  And, that’s okay, because I chose it, and it chose me…and that’s what I wanted: availability, not required service.  I can pull back at any time and be home with sick kids or available for hubby errands.  I need that connection to my family (as sketchy as I am at say, keeping the laundry room organized.)

But, the year is almost over, and I guess it’s the season of the year for dreaming about next year’s possibilities/goals/wonder where God is leading, guiding, pointing?  This year has all been very fulfilling. It’s kept my brain growing and active–I have no doubt God will use the investment, as He’s already done, and I love to keep giving.  This year, I’ve taught business math, algebra I, algebra II, Sunday School, have been in praise band, and have been engaged around the world with ministry opportunities.

It’s truly been the most awesome year of my life!   I think God has been somewhat weaning ME out of the toddler years and back into what it is to be “me”:  shaping me, awakening my heart to new strengths and gifts and talents I didn’t know I had.

It’s been said that you can’t “outgive” God. I suppose that has some truth to it.

But, I find myself forgetting other pleasures:  working out, eating well, staying “fit” inside and out, and even making money of my own.   I need a new “balance”.  I miss some things.  Some of my growth curves have required  “all of me”.  I’m reading to settle down for a while and not take on any more “big things” that require “all of me”.  My husband wanted to plant a garden this year so badly.  I said, “Oh, honey, I’m so glad you are doing that!”  He thought that meant I wanted to week and hoe.  No, I said, “I’m so glad YOU are doing that!”  Failure to communicate.   

I wonder, Lord. What’s next? How much? And is the fruit worth the investment?  Though money/earning power should not be the measure of a man, or woman (and, it’s not for me, I  am blessed) there comes a time when I see the Proverbs 31 women, buying her fields and vineyards, and I think…is it my time for that…and how? 

Yup, my last little one leaves for all day school next year.  It just raises some fuzzy feelings about self value:  those itchy- -can’t-quite-scratch-the-itch, unsettling questions for me.  Creates some churning.

So, there it is.

For now, my laundry room beckons me  “come”.  

At this moment, it seems much easier to try to get a handle on my life in five years than to deal with more laundry!!!   

~Maggie

Monday’s Verse

the steadfast love of the Lord never ceases,

his mercies never come to an end

they are new every morning

new everymorning

great is your faithfulness, oh Lord

great is your faithfulness!  (copywritten little song I learned once by someone of exceedingly great ability to turn a bible verse into a wonderful heartsong….somebody do a search and tell me the author in my comment section!  I need to cook the eggs!!!!)

Bless us, Oh Lord…according to your promise.  I receive, live by, and breathe the truth of your word in the midst of my circumstances.  In the midst of my pain and worry…releasing it all to you.  May each reader know and believe that your mercy is new today.  Your faithfulness is new today.  You are new every morning.  Renew me in “newness” each day.  Send me out with a smile.  Send us all out with a smile for the world…responsive obedience to you, whom we can trust wholeheartedly. 

I love you, Lord.  Truly.  Help me love you.

Golden

Wow.  My house glistens with order.  Okay…so it’s at an increasing state of glistening order here and there anyway.  The bars are clear, the baths are clean, the floor is swept.  Don’t open random closets yet.

Better still, my mind has been clear for four hours, two days in a row.  I’ve not arguing with a single human being about food, snacks, noise, clutter, or any purchases.  And I saw what has been made, and I said, “It was good”! 

I stopped by and saw my husband today…just to “drop by”.  He needed plastic spoons.  I remembered.  I took them to him the day he asked for them. Without a reminder. 

Am I in somebody else’s body?  Can I keep it?  Will it last?  Will “life” take over and rob me of what I was meant to do WELL. 

I hope not.  Wow.  I thought of tiny things the kids still needed.  I bought deoderizer for the school bathrooms, just because.  I replaced the “in a state of molding 3 yr old ” rubber shower mat in my husband’s shower, just to say “I love you, dear”.  And it no longer emits any smell at all.  I remembered!  While at the store!

I had every intent to do these things before…but priority “Z” stuff never rose the top of my A-P list.  I just forgot.  My mind was always cluttered, I spend so much emotional energy getting out and getting the basics that my house never felt ordered.

I stopped by my home for 1 hour today before I went to Wal*Mart.  I came home, put groceries away in my clean house and went to get my son from kindergarten.  And I was excited to see him.  And he was giddy.

Today is a very good day.  Days like this should last for a full season of my life before I get bogged down again.

Somebody ran into me at Wal*Mart and suddenly I was “volunteered” into two tasks…just because there is no one else and it is my “turn”.  Lord help me say, “No, that’s not a priority for me.” if it’s not.  Protect my “plate”!!!!   

Get this wild madness.  After not wearing a watch for like three months straight and being unable to tell you for certain the month, much less the DATE, I have bought for myself, today…a Franklin day planner.  Yes.  It is true.  I plan to write in it.  It has things laid out much better than my last one did from my working days:  It has MONTH…followed by each WEEK of the month, followed by project planning I can insert.  What a novel idea…not having to flip through the whole book to see both the month and one week “At a Glance”! 

I don’t know about you guys, but having all the monthly planning separate from the weekly and daily planning just DID NOT WORK well for me.  In this one…each DAY of the week has columns on the right and left for appointments and “to do” so that I don’t have to “FLIP” to coordinate the information either!  I am going to be so organized it’s scary.  Really.

Now…for you PDA freaks, I’m sorry.  But, for me, computer daily planning is for the birds unless you run into people who tell you stuff to do on the spot constantly.  I am very proud of my quasi-leatherette marvel at the moment.  Even if I fail to use it as I should [which usually happens due to the bulk of keeping up with one], I’m proud of this attempt, and of this moment.  So, don’t ruin it for me.    Just be wow-ed…for one moment.  Please.  I have not been “ordered” in a VERY long time. 

This is a mom who stopped taking her kids to the library because she could not return the books, or find where they were.  Three kids so close in age to my kids just does things to your available mental RAM capacity.  I’m was looking at an upgrade, but apparently I’m still a top of the line model, ’cause an upgrade is not yet available. 

“Catering”

Ya’ll.  This is not funny.  Not in the least.  It’s 12:15. 

As my daughter yelled down earlier, “It’s been an hour and I cannot even think about getting to sleep yet.  I canNOT go to SLEEP!” 

Yup. 

“Just lay there and rest”, we tell her.

And here I am.  Can’t even lay in the bed I’m so forlorn.

I don’t like it that I no longer have a preschooler.  I don’t like it that he’s insecure and doesn’t want to go to kindergarten tomorrow.  I don’t like remembering every preschool pet name I’ve called him, reminding myself not to embarrass him at school tomorrow (Red, Flash, #3, Hot Wheels, Buddy, Babe–to name a few). 

I don’t like potential scenes I see for myself after he is scurried away by a smiling, over-confident teacher.  I don’t like the thought of the “run back for the last hug”, and my crying when I need to be strong and smiling for him.  I don’t like totally melting down in some co-dependant, what-will-I-do-for-my-meaning-in-life-when-there-are-no-jelly-sandwiches-to-make state.

My throat is so tight writing that I can’t breathe.  A huge lump.  I think my neck will explode soon.  It’s so ridiculous.  My husband and I finished our date tonight and talked about the kids and our dreams for them and how we need to shape them some here and there, and funny pre-first-day-of-school things they said at bedtime (“Will I have to write my first day?”). 

And we had our time. 

…and then, I swear, the worst guttural crying and grieving escaped from my mouth you would not believe it.  Where it came from, I don’t even know.  There were not even many tears…just groaning.  I’ve hard Momma cows do that when they are separated from a baby calf who’s strayed away.  She just bawls and bawls until they hear her and they come back.  On I bawl…only not for him to come back.  (Lump…ouch).

Today my little Red was having an emotionally charged day himself.  He got all worked up over a “stolen Lego piece that was HIS and big brother TOOK it, STOLE it!”  He cried so hard that he started drooling. 

I said, “What is that?” 

He said, “There’s so many tears, they got down into my mouth, and now they are leaking OUT!!! I need a towel!!!“

At the time, I just laughed a half laugh at him, wiped up his tear-slobber, and patted his back for a while, helping him recover the offending Lego. 

Now?  I completely understand what he was talking about!  Tear-slobber.  You know what I’m talking about.  There is no control or dignity to this moment.  Total emotional over-load for something that won’t be nearly so bad as you thought.  I laugh at him, because I know all kindergartener’s feel that way.  Scared.  Anxious.  Unsure. 

And, older moms probably can half chuckle at me in the same way, patting me on the back, telling me it will be okay, handing me my cloth, assuring me I’ll make it, allowing me to be emotional for a day if I want to. 

As I told my eldest…we just need to “cater to him” today.  He’s a bit unsure. 

Ya’ll…um, just cater to me a bit today while I slobber…I’m a bit unsure! 

My oldest son says to him later, “Here’s your Lego piece.  Mom says I have to ‘cater’ to you today.” 

Gotta love those subtle hints of love and compassion just leakin’ out from one sibling to another.  Feel the love.

So…as I see it, here are my options after dropping last child off at kindergarten:

1. Fall onto first person I see, cling for dear life, cry hysterically, make an utter fool of myself.  There are pros and cons to this.  You can imagine.  Peer judgement, etc.
2. Wait to melt down until I get in the van, realizing it would probably not look right for me to sit there in the parking lot in the van all day.  Get it out, gain strange looks from passers-by (that is the correct grammar), drive home in utter torment to no music, go home to empty house….cry some more. 
3. Fall into floor, prone, face-down prayer pose in the entry-way to the school before I get out of the building in some desperate plea for God to finish what I started and make up for where I’ve failed.  Sob.  The way I feel (a bit dramatic).  Yes, I will be praying.
4. Take my friend up on a brunch date offer.  Cry all over her inconsolably.  Laugh at the crying. 
5. Hide out and cry to my heart’s content.  Alone, where nobody can see my ugly state.  Observe with sadness every stuffed teddy and hot-wheel car strewn around nobody will be playing with, every Lego piece, see every Nic show.  Watch Dora alone, or Transformers, or Hot-Wheels. 

This is getting ugly in my chair here!  Do I not buy Kleenex until December around here or what?

In any case, a lot of crying has to fit in there somewhere…there just seems no way around it that I can see.  It’s just choicing the best place, and how I want it done…that’s about the only control I have. Shoot….I may do all of them!

I don’t want to do tomorrow. 

Lord, I pray for the woman you made me to be…the mother, the guide, the friend, the courage…to be there for my kids tomorrow when a stage of my life is gone.  I pray for wisdom, and dry eyes, and hope, and the lump in my throat gone.  I pray for grace for those around me who may also be having a hard time.  I pray for a good day.  A day of celebration, and beginnings, and fun, and excitement.  I pray for a good attitude, a helpful spirit, and a joyful countenance.  Be everything I’m not.  Take all of me and make it yours.  I’m not a lot of good at the moment, and I need to be more.  I know what you’ve called me to be.  In the middle of my new beginning as well.  Thank you for hearing me, and for promising to be my help, my strength, and my song.  I love you, Jesus.  Thank you for rising to the occasion for me when you did, and for doing it again and again for me so that I may have life and have it “to the full”!  I love you.

~Maggie