Cup of Coffee on a Sunday Night and Some Burnt Toaster Struddles

Tonight, dark.  Stillness.  Fighting off a headache that hit at 1PM.

I woke this day, still battling the winter “blek”.  Virus after virus, strep, bronchitis…all since Dec. 1.  My feminine side can’t figure it out and takes revenge on me, too.  Wacky, mixed up, broken, self-crying-out-for-health.  Feeling the betrayal of being human.  Getting rested up, all for one event, then crashing low.  Time after time.  Wishing I were stronger.  Seeing myself in the frailty of weak people I detest, too weak to get better.  Get up!  Recover!  Rest!  Take care of yourself!  Slow down!  Watch balance!  Think well thoughts!  Eat and treat yourself!

And a micro step at a time, I feel some better.  And a lot of the time, I still feel tired, sick, and recovering from a long winter.  There were perks.  Time to take care of some quiet chores I save for such days.  Yet, there is a longing for eyes that don’t quint with pain from the new light of spring, but welcome it with the joy it deserves.

While the family is at church, I relish the intense quiet.  Dark.  Time to get real with God and pour it all out…what is bugging me.  Time to catch my breath.  To deal with me only.

I made some rich decaf, burnt some Toaster Struddels covered in self-made icing (why do the last two always fall out of the box into the recesses of the overstuffed freezer?) and sat down to a screen still open from earlier this week when I’d pulled it up, but not had time to read.  Waiting on me.  For this moment.

I have followed Ann V. for a long time and just feel in love with her heart.  Have talked with her by email several times.  The real deal.  Though our lives are different, our hearts our the same.  Always takes me back to center to read her strands of life.  I have thought often this week that I need to get back into the discipline of joy and thanksgiving.  No dread.  No fear.  No wondering what could possibly happen with my body next week to make me mad at it.  Our churches challenges to “God Sightings” is similar, and I will merge the two.

Though my head colds haven’t allowed me to enjoy much reading time, I get four changes to start over on the challenge to read the New Testament in a way:  Matthew, Mark, Luke, John.  Here we go with Mark.  I’ll try again this month.

I shared a thanks entry at Ann’s new Zondervan site tonight.  I’m so proud of what God is doing in Ann’s life and through her testimony.

“Be thankful in all things.”  Go, Ann!  God is with you!

For tonight, quiet worship, black and white keys, pecking out chords, searching for newness, for spring after winter.

Lord, help me to get there. To climb out, and go slow, and be willing to just keep moving, whatever the day brings. You are God. I am human. And it’s okay.

Amen.

Today

Today is a day to find the key that unlocks the day.

Today is a day to enter the door unlocked by the key,

and determine not look back.

To move forward by faith.

A day of thanksgiving,

celebration and joy.

Blessing.

Surrendered rest.

Purposeful, joy-filled work.

Jesus bore it all…already.

RECEIVE.

Today is a day to look to hope.

Faith.

Every day

at each new dawn

is a glorious, beautiful

TODAY.

My Day Lily 2008

Same ‘Ole?

This morning, I turned off the alarm. I didn’t want to get up to walk the dog.

But, the dog barked. Loudly.

And I got up.

Same walk as last night, in the dark.

Same walk.

Same path.

Same pitter patter, hers double time.

Same as the morning before…

Hands stuffed in pockets, Kleenex handy for cool weather sniffles.

Shuffling along, trying to will myself awake, or stay asleep, I couldn’t decide which.

I was suddenly aware of things brighter. Lighter.

I looked up…and, “WOW! Would you LOOK at that!”

Daisy Dog was still content with her tennis ball, not “getting it”.

I ran back inside for the camera, anxious to try to capture something,

anything of it,

to share with anyone…

later.

“For it is light that makes everything visible.

This is why it is said:

“Wake up, O sleeper, rise from the dead,

and Christ will shine on you.”

Eph. 5:14

Changing, moment by moment…

Watercolor, by Creator God.

And I almost missed it, fearing redundancy. Wake me up, Lord! You make “all things new!”

You have heard these things;

look at them all…

From now on I will tell you of new things,

of hidden things unknown to you.”

Isaiah 48:6

 

Morning Scriptures

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UPDATE:  MY HUSBAND COMMENTED ON MY BLOG TODAY FROM WORK!  WOO-HOO!!!   GIVE IT UP! 

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“I will be glad and rejoice in your love“ 

Psalm 31:”You turned my wailing into dancing;  you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy, that my heart will sing to you and not be silent.”  Psalm 30:

“How great is your goodness stored up for those who fear you, which you bestow in the sight of men on those who take refuge in you.”  Ps. 31:19

“You have been my helper.  Teach me your way, Oh Lord, lead me in a straight path…”  Ps. 27:12-13

“I am still confident of this; I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.  Wait for the Lord;  be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord.“  Ps 27: 13-14

“But the meek will inherit the land and enjoy great peace.”  Ps. 37:11

Father Prayer

Lord,

You are.

You are blessing and honoring and moving.

I see it.

Help me to trust you more.

Not melt down when I don’t have to; or be afraid to melt down when I need to; 

Oh, if I knew the fine line between the two!

Help me to keep loving and trusting and praying

Not fearing and dreading and losing hope 

Able to cry; not crying too much

Laughing, savoring, preparing…

Not freezing up–despairing.

Reveal yourself to me

Every hug, every song over me

Every butterfly, drop of rain,

Everything!

Pointing to You

Provision, trust, hope, help,

Meeting needs,

“Keeping”; Not abandoning

 Never!

Father.  Father.  Father!  Father.  FATHER.

Father, you are to me.

I am  your child

Trusting.

Help me to trust you, and depend on you

You hear me when I beg you to!

Bless and keep us all.

Amen. 

Author, Anne Lamott, on Aging

But if the fortune of the girl is in the newness, in being the bud, and the fortune of the crone is in the freedom, the lack of attachment or clinging, where does that leave a youngish middle-aged American woman like me?  Maybe it leaves me needing to consider how wealthy I am in the knowledge that the girl of my past is still in me while a marvelous dreadlocked crone is in the future–and that I hold both of these females inside.  Coming out of the movie that night, I realize that I want what the crones have:  time for all those long deep breaths, time to watch more closely, time to learn to enjoy what I’ve always been afraid of–the sag and the invisibility, the ease of understanding the life is not about doing.  The crones understand this, and it gives them all kinds of time–time to get much less done, time for all these holy moments.  So I’ve been thinking about how, realistically, I am probably not going to lose five pounds before I see the guy I like again, or have a little canopy above my eyes snipped off.  And how what I am going to do instead is to begin practicing cronehood as soon as possible:  to watch, smile, dance. 

–Anne Lamott from Traveling Mercies:  Some Thoughts on Faith, p 233, large print edition (not because I’m that hard of seeing yet, but because it’s all the library had, not that I care one way or another what you think, or maybe I do), c 1999.

Anne Lomott (Author) Quote on “Just Being There” With Folks in Times of Crisis

“I believe that when all is said and done, all you can do is to show up for someone in crisis, which seems so inadequate.  But then when you do, it can radically change everything.  your there-ness, your stepping into a scared parent’s line of vision, can be life giving, because often everyone else is in hidign–especially, in the beginning, the parents.  So you come to keep them company when it feels like the whole world is falling apart, and your being there says that just for this moment, this one tiny piece of the world is OK, or is at least better.”

–Anne Lamott , from Traveling Mercies, p 217, Large Print Edition, c. 1999

Author Anne Lamott: The Trouble With Ashes

Anne Lamott:  Traveling Mercies, p 130, large print edition, c. 1999 

…it was daytime and I was sober, the deeply contradictory nature of ashes–that they are both so heavy and so light.  They’re impossible to let go of entirely.  They stick to things, to our fingers, your sweater.  I licked my friend’s ashes off my hand, to taset them, to taste her, to taste what was left after all that was clean and alive had been consumed, burned away.  The tasted metallic, and they blew every which way.  We tried to strew them off the side ofteh boat romantically, with seals barking from the rocks on shore, under a true-blue sky, but they would not cooperate.  They rarely will.  It’s frustrating if you are hoping to have a happy ending, or at least a little closrue, a movie moment when you toss them into the air and they flutter and disperse.  They don’t.  They cling, they haunt.  They get in your hair, in your eyes, in your clothes. 

These are a few of the turned down pages from my library book due back today.  I need to turn it in, summer is almost over.  Ironic that a few of the quotes I had turned down speak to me so deeply today.  A moment to reflect on the deep thoughts of grieving.

~Maggie

30 Things in the midst of “A Day”

1. Getting Back In Touch When It’s All Driving You A Bit Crazy 
2. Discovering God’s Plan for Your Life:  Discovering God’s Plan for Your Life:  See a greater purpose in struggles of thought and conversation and process.  Comments, struggles, around the word.  Praise. 
3. Holy Experience:  Read.  Identify.  Break.  Rest.  Read.  Misty eyes as sympathy pains.  Break.  Read.  Rest.  Want to Write Again…Capture. 
4. Porch Swing
5. Cotton long sleeve shirt, loose knickers with a tie string, flip flops, and no shower
6. Fresh Chips out of a bag
7. Fresh meat for supper
8. Children all out of the house for one precious hour of reading
9. Returning home to children’s cartoons still in the background after rescuing Grandmas and WonderBoy when their truck failed.  Leaving the TV on because I liked the sound, though I enjoyed the children being gone for a while.
10. Rotteserie chicken sandwich for lunch, at 10AM…to eat in peace and quiet with no surprise interruptions
11. Finding a compass in reading the above blogs…some of them, again.
12. Sensing tears in understanding and sympathy and failure and needed exercises
13. Wind on the chimes outside
14. A nap on the hard rungs of the porch swing with pillow and pads
15. Seeing work that needs doing…later.  Not now.  Having time for “not now”.
16. Anticipating more much needed rain, and feeling it in the breeze, though skies are bright
17. Fresh mulch on flower beds
18. Letting myself off the hook. 
19. Honoring confidentiality, though it hurts
20. Being real:  “How are things?”   Answer:  “I’m very tired.”  and the observant, “I can tell”.  And my not caring…just being, and not reciprocating…because I’m tired.  Knowing it’s okay.  No expectations.
21. The humor of stress. 
22. The call to new center…again.  And life almost too busy for it.  The oddity of parodox.
23. Sabbath on Monday…as is often the case.  Praise God for time for it.
24. The pain of not meeting expectations.
25. The joy of seeing people try, and the hard work of needing them to, even when it’s forced and guided.
26. The joy and struggle of relationships, the most rewarding and hardest work there is.
27. Long, growing legs on my daughter…need for new clothes.
28. Packing for Boy Wonder’s first camp…time grows near.  I’m afraid, and thrilled for him.
29. My nephew, the other one, coming to visit us…his auntie and cousings tomorrow.  Joy.  Anticipation. 
30. Head down, countless times a day, awaiting/reaching out for  infusionn of #1. 

Maggie

My Spot

Untitled Post

Today, lots of housecleaning and re-ordering after Spring Break.  We had a restful weekend out of town, though weather was far from “shorts and t-shirt”.  We all wore long sleeves and jerseys and jeans on outtings.  I’ll post a few fun pics later this week.

Today, cleaning off The Bar and The Desk, trying to assemble that motherly sense of order again that just seems to know where things might be, even if they are missing.  Right now, all I know is, “I have no idea, you’ll just have to look…no, not there, I just went through that stuff yesterday.”  “Well, where could it be then?”  “I don’t know.”  Quite an exhausting line of repetitive conversations. 

So, I have piles of “too keep, sentimental”, ”to keep/ records”, “to pay”, “to read”, “to research”, “to look into”, and thankfully, not a lot of “to do”.   Many “big tasks” knocked off in recent days, but leaves everything else needing a shine, and me not with a lot of “shine” to apply! 

Knocked off a publishing job this morning, fixed some pixelation printing problems with the help of the extremely helpful folks over at Photoshop Elements User Forums.  Highly recommend their assistance for users with problems or ideas of any sort.

Deep sigh.  Much luggage and laundry spraying everywhere.  

I gave seatwork/reading assignment to my student today and did not teach.  Came home and do dishes and get “caught up”.  I have to pick up Red in 45 minutes, and I certainly don’t feel ‘caught up’, but at least it’s moving a bit.

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Last night, the pastor preached on a scripture in Malachi.  I read further, and it talked about that verse where it says that some were grumbling and complaining, “What is the point?  Why do we keep serving and believing when nothing ever gets better?”  Then it says that The Faithful gathered to discuss what they should do and how they should proceed, to share burdens and complains in an encouraging faithful way.   And then it says, “And God heard THERE prayers and made a scroll of rememberance for THEM”.  He predicted much tragedy and woe for those who did not trust.

You know, I’ve had some similar bones to pick with God lately.  Good reminder to me that He doesn’t hear the grumblers, those with exhausted faith.  He hears those who, though weary and tried, persevere, carry on, and talk and encourage one another.  Lord, make me a like-minded, faith-filled person who You want to write a scroll about!

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In other stray thoughts:  I heard it said lately that if you once heard encouragement from others about your work and service, and you are no longer hearing it, then perhaps you are doing something wrong, or not enough, or whatever.  I prayed about that.   Perhaps it’s true, to a degree. 

But, we are to be God pleasers, not man pleasers.  Sometimes, I’ve been in what I knew to be the center of God’s will, and if I were depending on the accolades…oh, mercy me, would I be a sunk ship by now!  (And times, I have sank to that inky black depth of relying on the praise of man!)    

Often, in the beginning of service, we hear the cheers, gratitude, thanks.  Then, AS WE MATURE, we must submit to the rigors of perseverance, the long-distance course where we often run alone, or weary, or tired, or wonder if it’s all worth it.  Sometimes, things get quiet. 

 Some of us need more affirmation than others, for sure!  No problems with that.  But, when things get quiet for some time, and all you can hear is the steady pounding of your own feet, shoes rubbing blisters, water canteen near dry…what then?  Are you still in the right race?  We are told we have a marathon to run, and we must run the race as to win.  That means, sometimes, we suck it up.  We keep going.  We are miserable…and we are still right where we have to and need to be.  Is there joy in the journey?  Yes…through blisters, we see an incredible view over the field off to our left.  A stream trickle under the bridge to our right.  We help a brother or sister along for a while.  But, stress is always with us.  The road is always long. 

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On the flip side of that:  This weekend, when I returned home, there were three notes waiting for me.  One a thanks…from someone I do not even know, thanking me for being a wife who shares her husband with others in need.  One encouraged me in new skills I’m giving to the Lord, though there are those likely so much more qualified than me.   There are power drills, and then there are screw drivers…God reminds me he needs both at times.

Well, on to more desk sorting.  Just wanted to take a moment to dump my mind.  Hope you guys are all great and thriving.  Send me a line and let me know how I can pray for you this month:  email.

Surprised by the Cross

Today, I picked up a book I’ve had for a while.  It’s called, “If Momma’s Going South, Then We’re All Going With Her”. 

It has a cute cartoon cover and promised humor in the title, and heaven knows, I need some humor this week.  I went to the church to have my quiet time today.  Had my student studying for an exam, asking her to please study in the back of the chapel while I had some time of prayer. 

So, I went down front to my favorite spot in our church to pray–the older worship sanctuary.  The daylight streaming through glass windows captures me every time.  Even back in my college days, I used to go to the chapel and sit in the balcony to pray because of the streaming sunlight. 

So, I approached the front of the church and did not find what I expected.  I was going to pick a spot on the steps to the podium, but something stopped me. 

This week, there are Holy Week services going on, and I’d forgotten about them.  To commemorate the season, there was a very blood stained peice of cloth trailing down the steps and a crown of thorns laying on it…close to where I’d planned to kneel (I took the photo above when I was finished praying and meditating).  Seeing it, I backed up, dropped to my face and knees below the steps, and shed some tears, realizing my “very serious business with God” for today was already paid for, dealt with, carried, and suffered.  Thank you, Jesus. 

If you’ve never laid down at an altar before, I recommend it.  There is just something sweet and mild and humble and desperate and surrendered about it. 

After a few moments, I got uncomfortable and numb, as it doesn’t take 30 something Moms long to do.  So, I sat up, opened my book, wondering if it were now serious enough for this moment. 

But, as I began to read, I realized God’s message to me, even with the comical bookcover.  I realized the title of the book referred to the instinct of children to follow that mother duck anywhere she goes.  If she “goes South” (not to Tahiti, but that “other” “gone South” ), they all go with her. 

I can’t control everything in life, nor should I try–instead, I want my kids to have a Mommy Duck who they can confidently follow without worrying that they are “going South”, too.   I CAN”T go South of my own perogative.  I have to fight it by faith and hope.

Life takes us all there enough without us slipping on our own any more than we have to.  Jesus already went there for me….for sure.  Why go back?  Just trust that He dealt with all that was there, overcoming death and the grave (s) for me…and walk in assured victory.  It takes me many battles a day to remember to claim this truth.  The balls in my right shoulder blade is an indication that I have much to learn about living by faith.  But, I am learning.  By the grace of God, victory will be won, and has been won.

I saw the cost today.  Thank you for stepping in front of me to take it all, My Lord.  By thanksgiving, I refuse to live in defeat when the hard challenges of life come.  I lift up your Name.

Kudos to “Peace Isn’t a Place” by Ann V.

Ann from “Holy Experience of Listening” wrote this piece at “The Gathering” on The Sacred Everydayjournal.  It is a wonderful piece for parents to read, especially this time of year in the winter when all gets stagnant and pressing.

Peace Isn’t a Place talks about how to carry that peaceful feeling of “spiritual retreat” with you long after the “quiet time” has worn off.  I love this thought!  Check it out!

Blessings to All!  Walk on strong!

~Maggie

Life Worship

Today, our children’s Sunday School lesson was about “church”.

The boys were ‘bulls’ today, and have forgotten any semblence of non-crazy behavior, so we also talked about ‘reverence’ and ‘quiet’, and we practiced it.

I figured they thought I was probably a very weird teacher or something.

We got in the van and my daughter said, “That was a very restful class today mom.  It was like, really relaxing!”

She meant it.  It’s so easy to tink all kids need the hype…but some kids also need quiet…important to learn to offer both, I guess.

I am working on “worship” at home today.  As in “order”…cleaning without grunting and complaining.  Servanthood.  Joyful community service.  It’s refreshing.  Still no TV…but they are still asking every time every task is done…and there are MANY more tasks to go.  How many do I force today?  In any case, it’s better than it was when we walked in.

Blessings!

Maggie 

Day 3

Time alone today.

Red begged to see Grandma. So, I let him go. Time alone sounds very good.

I thought I’d loosen up today: just play a bit…that was my plan. But, something inside me told me I needed LIFE. Not fluff. I needed the word, which is LIFE.

If you can’t get the glory of God to pass by you on the mountain…you always have the word! So…a bit more effort on my part than I was in a mood to put forth. I took a nap on the couch, uninterrupted by phone, tv, or any thing. Then, I dove into today’s study…again, not one interruption, laying there under an afghan, pages ruffling, reading more than required, finding a lot I needed. Making myself confess who God is, out loud, and worship him. Trust me, if you’ve been nursing a grudge, this is hard to do without tearing up. But, good for you.

My study today ironically centered on Moses’s journey with God on his mountain…how inadequate he felt. How unworthy. Ill-equipped. Fallible.

God got a bit “put out” with him for suggesting he could not make him anything he wanted him to be for service. Angry with Moses, in fact! Yet…to give Moses confidence, God suggested Joshua, a skilled speaker, to speak for him. A parent who keeps solving problems, even when they are angry? I’m so glad that even if God is angry with me…he still works for my good, and helps me. Wow. What a God! THE God!

You know, as it turns out…I don’t remember Joshua having to say a lot for Moses when it came down to it…do you? It was Moses’s face who was radiant with the presence of God…and the people needed to see that…not hear flowery words. He had the very words of God. Moses needed no speech writer.

Let to go back to basics today of self care.

Also, to re-evaluate my spiritual armor in light of yesterday. My pants fell off again. Yup…got to have that Belt of Truth…

Anyway, a good day to get caught up with myself a bit. I feel good.

Reminded that God doesn’t always choose to reveal himself to us as we want…but, he always promises to give us what we need.

“Seek me and you will find me if you seek me with all your heart”.
“Seek me and I will be found by you.”
“Draw near to God and he will draw near to you.”

I don’t know the references for those, but, like Ragu…it’s in there. If you need references, look them up on a net Bible link in NIV. I don’t have time add them today. Good verses to ingrain in your mind.

Blessings!
Me