On Monday, Kids, and The Dealing With of Them

Okay, so that title was grammatically a wreck, but that’s okay for today. 

I’ve been with people non-stop since last Tuesday and my little personality-spirit SO needs some down time to be healthy.  I find myself just wanting to relish in the fast that I’m tired today, and just “do”.  My husband woke up talking about needing soap and telling me he was getting sick and asking me how I slept.  And I don’t think I had a word…I just long for peace and quiet so much at times.  

Later, one child could not eat breakfast because his eggs needed salt.  I made him eggs, bacon, and toast, and he can’t eat because he can’t salt his eggs.

Two kids made it to the van without their coats…after I’d harped on one for five minutes and looked for a coat, I’m driving down the drive and the oldest STILL didn’t have one.  I threw that van in reverse and threw myself an intentional hissy fit. 

There is a time for sweetness, and there is a time for godly fear.  Today was the day for godly fear.  Adults are taxed, and it’s not the time to go your own way and make waves.  It’s time to buckle down, show responsibility, give adults a little relief and be content. 

Enough is enough.

I may be dead wrong here.  But, I believe that children need to know that people have limits of energy, and patience, and grace.  They need to know that they can pick up the slack and make things a whole lot easier, or they can be self-centered and be miserable in the back of the bus out of earshot, because I’m not listening to a bunch of self-centered “do everything for me” whining when the world has been in need and it’s crunch time.  It’s time to buckle down and be problem solvers.  It’s time to listen and do what you know to do.  It’s not time to be lazy and whine and waste time and resources. 

I’m all about extras and making my kids feel grand.  We went ice skating yesterday, had hot cocoa, invited a friend, went out of town, ate out, had a marvelous time.  But, I am so tired of the whiney attitudes.  Child, if you have a problem, try to fix it before you start whining to no end.  There are too many people in real need.  The contrast is unsightly. 

I would suggest we all bear this in mine in coming days.  We will all fail, but it’s just a good principle to bear in mind.

I think I need some coffee and some yoga now.

My Quote for the Day:

Invest your time wisely:  80% where you are strongest 15% on learning new things, and 5% where you need or want to grow. 

(from Wisdom for Men:  Practical Bible-Based Principles for Home &  Word by Bobb Biehl [it just happened to be the closest thing to the toilet when I had two seconds to revv up for the day]).

Options for Relationship Problems

Thank everyone for praying.  Not that you want to read more about it, but I need to get it out of my head.  I am aware that this is not good blog writing, it is too long, and it is simply for the purpose of venting, which may need to go elsewhere, but I’m too tired for a pen and ink. 

Perhaps the sharing of it will be something someone else can identify with.  No answers.  A lot of questions. 

Perhaps it will raise good conversation amongst you all (which I’m not currently in the mood to contribute toward, but would enjoy reading your discussion via comments…let ‘er rip!).  Thanks for your endearing “blog-ship” (to coin a new term of my very own!  Hey, that was fun…a new word!)  

Where I started fifteen minutes ago for lack of ability to have a good quiet time, trying to diagnose myself and move on: 

1.  Think that people are big enough to get over stuff without addressing it.  It’s piddly.  A bad reaction.  A moment.

2.  Imagine there are other things going on besides me, and get over it myself

3.  Pray about it. Assume it can’t be all me.  I’m not a bad person.

4.  Get mad mad about it.  I deserve better than that.

5.  Do other things and distract myself as if it’s not on my mind and doesn’t matter.

6.  Send a lengthy email and feel stupid about it.  Don’t do that.  It’s the worst.

7.  Assume problems happen everyday and a single one is not significant enough to pay it regard at all.  The other person probably doesn’t know they did anything.  Or doesn’t care.  Or is just borderline rude to most everyone with the slightest of stress.  (Actually, pretty true here.)

8.  Get really quiet and totally frustrated as if nothing in life matters if basic things can’t be worked out better

9.  Get a headache, take a nap.

10.  Be in denial.  There is not problem.  It is all in my head.  I am too sensitive.

11.  Blame other person for not being sensitive enough.

12.  Blame self for being too sensitive. symapthetic.

13.  Try short email to show concern.  (Did that…”You okay?  Be blessed.  You are such a blessing!”

14.  Vow to not work with people who I cannot, ever, understand and always end up stressing over.

15.  Assume everyone else has just learned to blow it off.  Biblical models no longer apply for piddly infarctions of rudeness.

16.  Wonder if that is healthy…and why rudeness spoils so many of my days lately.

17.  Ponder calling, but decide that’s overplaying it.

18.  Feel naseated from too many thoughts making me dizzy. 

19.  Decide caring about it is worth it.

20. Decide this is surely not “caring”, and if it is, it’s not worth my mental health.  

21.  Decide working for a good cause is bigger than “It”.

22. Decide that even a good cause is surely not worth “it”.  God never meant it to steal life.

23.  Go have a quiet time.

24.  Can’t have a quiet time…too irritable, naseated from spinning.

25.  Decide to sweep garage floor, clean kitchen to a hilt, get laundry caught up, and burn trash.  Release steam/stay productive.

26.  Dread holiday weekend with unresolved, piddly relational issue of undetermined ”yuckness” in the air.

27.  Decide it is not worth the cost of a favorite summer holiday.  God meant me to smile…even if it is “all me”. 

28.  Decide it is worth whatever it takes.

29.  Decide that overthinking is a fatal error.

30.  Decide that stopping thinking is impossible, no matter how hard one tries who cares.

31.  Wonder if these problems are inherent to certain groups of working relationships.  Wonder if I belong there.   

32.  Wonder how long these problems have to last, how they resolve except time and grace.  That the Biblical thing just doesn’t work best sometimes.  People need time.  And, somebody explain that to me Biblically.

33.  “According to the grace given you” keeps ringing in my head, and wonder if I have enough of it.

34.  Wonder how much grace a person should have, reasonably speaking.

35.  Know that people are not perfect.

36.  Are imperfect people still eternal jerks? 

37.  Do you have to keep walking with jerks, or do you just write them off until they get their act together?

38.  I am a jerk.

39.  So…now what?

40.  We are all jerks.

41.  There are problems only God can carry and handle. He knows we are all jerks.

42.  I can care, but I can’t bear the weight.  I’m not big enough.

43.  God reminds me I am big.  I can carry a lot.  That’s why I’m hear.  I need to carry it with grace. 

44.  But, I’m still not big enough, and that’s really why I’m anywhere I am.

45.  I am SO short fused and drained over one irritating situation.

46.  That is humbling.  It doesn’t speak well of my resiliency. 

47.  Wonder if I should quit, because it’s not worth it.

48.  Wonder if I should keep going, because it’s always worth it, and I can be bigger than troubles through Christ.

49.  Don’t want to continue with the work. Can’t do it today.  Need to do it today.  Had deadline today.  Can’t stop praying, today.

50.  Wonder if anyone else wants to keep going and how I got here anyway.  I don’t know what I’m doing.

51.  Don’t want to do it at all if there is no grace. 

52.  Wonder if it’s all a screen, and there is nothing of substance there after all.

53.  Wonder if there is something there, and that is why Satan is after it.

54.  Wonder if a person should just keep going, just keep walking, just keep doing “the thing”, or stop and wait.

55.  Wonder what the timing of God’s work feels like, and where the peace and healing is, because this feels like an emotional waste of time and energy.

56.  Wonder if calls would help, and decide they usually don’t, but sometimes they do, and sometimes I get hurt more, but it’s worth that risk, sometimes.  Don’t know.  Don’t call.   

57.  Keep getting emails of no substance “bling blong”, thinking it is the end, and it’s not. The phone rings (Ring…Ring)…nothing either.  And I’m still stuck, and disappointed.  And wonder what kind of magic dust I’m expecting, anyway. 

58.  More waiting. 

59.  Nothing.

60. Satan comes to steal, kill, and destroy. 

THAT is what I feel.  And a lot of it.  How do I stop this? And now abideth these, faith, hope, and love…but the greatest of these is love. 

So…I am to keep loving, even when it hurts. 

In case it’s all unclear….IT HURTS! 

But, then what?

Overdo, under-do.  Don’t do.  Do.  Pray.  Move on.  Still…the elephant in the room.  I never really felt a calling to be an elephant trainer, but that seems the name of the game…all the time.  To quote Joyce Meyer, “People…they’re everywhere!”

UPDATE:  After writing this and reading prayers, I was able to do the next part of my duty.  Thank you, Lord.  “Guard the work of your hands, Lord Jesus!”

Sticky, Icky–Blek, Blah

Have you ever been plodding along at your own pace, totally oblivious, having a grand ‘ole time–then suddenly feel the smack upside the back of the head which points rather obviously to you that you probably totally and royally offended someone?  They won’t say, make excuses, give the silent treatement, or back off.   They are terse or short, or shut down to you?

Isn’t that fun?

You want to make things right, but you are totally confused.  And perhaps things need a bit of time for clarity.  You say something to let them know you value them, but feel they’ve probably written you off and are perhaps even mouthing off, which creates a whole ‘nother tital wave to deal with.  Not Biblical, I know, but let’s just say, “attitudes happen”.  

In considering personalities and differences, you are not entirely sure there is anything proactive you can do about it, even if you try to handle it “scripturally”…pounding it to death until there is PEACE, GOSH DARN IT! 

So, you pray, “God, I don’t know your timing.  I don’t know how to do this.  But, I value this person, and your method of process.  So, can you totally fix this?  Show me what reaches them.  I know I can’t fix it.  The “1-2-3-we’re-done-and-now-smiling-from-ear-to-ear-in-sweet-unity” formulas just aren’t going to work.   I need You.”

I’ve had one of those situations on my heart the last day or two.  Totally consuming every thought.  I feel like a heel. 

I’d really like it off hearts before this awesome weekend, and have several tasks I need to hit before day’s end I’m having trouble getting done until “The Thing” is out of the way.   I’d appreciate any intercession available today. 

Procrastination Cures Stress

There’s just something about being stressed out with people and life that makes me want to  get strange jobs done I’ve put off for forever…like now.   

Like start cleaning the garage at 7AM because I just feel like it. I can do that, because it’s my time and my mess, and just try to stop me.  No one gets on my nerves in the garage.  There is no major plan to be thwarted because it’s all “extra” anyway.  Who cares if it doesn’t get done or go according to plan, after all, it’s extra, so I still feel good about the work, no matter what. 

In these, I’m very glad to have some messes.  My messes.  If that’s not a good excuse to leave a mess somewhere for just such a mood, I don’t know what is! 

I mean, honestly, what would happen if everything was already right?  

My goodness.  I’d just be cranky over the things I CAN’T control all day long, and what fun would that be?

So, just a little incentive to leave some unenjoyable tasks un-done! 

For some weeks, “extra-level”  high reward productivity is absolutely the way to go…”keeping on” with purpose, conquering big mountains, creating “on top of your game” producing moods.   

So, dad-gum-it, life might be irritating–but the trash on the floor is gone in my garage, AND my laundry is caught up.  HA!  In your face. 

Okay, so I might need to some time in the Word with the Lord this morning, too.  But that will be much more pleasant now that a few cluttered items are cleaned up in the garage somehow.

Unfillfilled Expectations–A Reason in it All

I hear so many women this season of Christmas saying they “feel lonely”.  I just came home from church and I struggle with the same.  I went, I took care of the children, I tried to make them teach them to worship, and I taught Sunday School.  And I made sure all the kids got back to their correct parent, and I got my children (my husband could not be with me today), and I stood around, waiting to connect myself with someone…and I never did. 

Yes, I smiled cheerfully and SO enjoyed the warm winter red “Hello!” of many.  I enjoyed some bright and caring, joyful chit chat.  But, oh, how the soul longs for that deeper connection sometimes, especially after a week, mostly at home. 

In thinking about the “whys”, I was reminded of dates with my dear husband when, we have a date, but… we are not able to fit it all in.  For example, we may get to throw in a quick ”working lunch” one day with colleagues.  Another night we may see a movie at home, too late for much conversation or intimacy, another day, a good meal with the kids.

So, it all happens spread out, in the course of time.  We don’t get it all in one day sometimes.  I wonder if from body life we should not have the same long-term expectations and investment.  If I get home, and my “needs” weren’t met…Jesus is still waiting for me, and I will receive more, or something different the next time I go. 

Granted, there are times we need to cultivate a particular area in our lives (ex. grow more relationally), but there is also sometimes a reason God sometimes leaves us “wanting”, unfilled.  Perhaps it is to be filled by Him?  Perhaps it is to have relational energy and  hunger for the friend who calls us that day needing to talk?  We are ready, because he with-held our energies earlier.

I hope I learn to trust God with my needs and with his timing more and more, joyfully taking what he gives, acknowledging those things he didn’t give, and…ready and willing to be in the next place he may put me as a result both of my own needs and the needs of those around  me.

Britney Spears…um, “Lost It”

Pray for Britney Spears to return to the hope she knew in the beginning:  charisma that gave her a peace, that twinkle in her eye, the smile, favor found from a deeply rooted Christian faith.  She is NOT this confused, driven, frustrated person she has become!  May she find again that beautiful, talented, energetic, and potential-laden young lady she is to the glory of the One who made her.      

Christmas Card? Already?

 

I received my first surprise Christmas Card today!  More incredibly, it was from a new friend named T**** in Ethiopia. 

Last week, I received a surpise eThanksgiving card, from A******* in Romania.  Praise God for the internet and the ability to help encourage lonely Christians abroad!

Both ladies I am attempting to walk in long-term discipleship using ARC (automated response center) through Campus Crusade for Christ.   CCC will soon be starting coaching to help people do assisted Bible’s studies also.  I am interested.  I so want to see the word of God make a real difference in the lives of people who may have found Christ, but need to relearn so much of “religion” for Him to make a real difference in their lives and witness.  So rewarding to see people from other religions come face to face with the truth of God’s word for the first time! 

 Today I responded to my 230th request by email since September through various Campus Crusade websites running Arc Assist at their response mechanism.  There have been about that many replies.

It’s simply amazing.  Would you consider becoming an email volunteer also? 

Get ‘Er Done

I”m feeling about 50% stronger every day from the virus I had last week.  My skin still feels that cool “viral” feel like I’m fighting something off.  My motivation is so low to get started and stay going.  I ache to see my house “Fall-Cleaned”, but it’s getting worse each day instead of better.  *Sigh*

I am trying to walk in Sabbath Rest every day right now and not go beyond the energy God has given me for the tasks and for the day.  Thankfully, I have that option more than those who work 8 hours or more a day.  Still, it’s an exercise.  God provides. 

I usually vaccum the school library for them after popcorn day, and I knew it would really push me today.  My student and I worked very hard on problems tough for her for over an hour straight today.  I said, “You need a mental break after all that [and she did!]…would you like to run the vaccum?”  She said, “Yeah!  Where is it?”  She loved the chance to do something physical to balance all the mental work.  As I saw she was doing it well and sticking to it with joy, I said, “Hard work for a such a big room, eh?”  She said, “Oh, I don’t mind, I vaccum our house at home all the time.”  I said, “For you, no homework the rest of this week.”  She said, “Wow!  Thanks!” 

Win-win.  Great idea, Lord!  Thank you very much.

Amazing how God does provide if we get creative and walk within what He provides us for the day, not spending more than we have, even in terms of “grace” or “energy”.   This week, my best “efficiency plan” has come in walking in Him…resting when I need it.  Napping when I need it.  Going slow.  Any other way, and I’m down before the next thing.

Like Saturday, we had little food in the house when we got into town…no “quick food”.  My husband found some ground beef stuck in the freezer and cooked spaghetti for me.  Wow! 

Sunday, we had a Sunday School social.  I took some Canned Baked Beans and some chips.  We had a “Fried Chicken” feast with all the southern trimming in return!

That night, a weinee roast and hey ride.  Monday…school, and Mom brought me soup we ate for two days.  Church dinner tonight.  A banquet Thursday night.  Friday night…Fall Festival and the best chili in the world.

God has granted me a whole week of little cooking!  Still the morning bisquits, eggs, and bacon for the big guys in my house, but nothing “major” to clean up at night, and no major cooking and grocery runs for that! Aaaah!  I just relish today in how God shows his love for me in little ways.  Even if he chose to teach me to serve in the midst of feeling bad, I have no doubt he would find another small way to show his great regard and love for me. 

Yet, even as he teaches me, or pushes me, he shows such tender care.  Such a great model for how I am to balance my care and teaching with my kids. Psalms 23 talks about Jesus comforting us with his “rod and his staff”.  Both guidance and correctional systems.  Isn’t it a comfort to know that even when Jesus leads as a gentle shepherd, he comforts us by his presence of correction?

The “corrections” I feel this week are:

1.  Before I left, God really  had me focusing on the value of a woman apart from her presentation.  To “check” myself in dress and present Christ in even the way I dressed.  I guess he was preparing me for what I’d find when I went to Disney.  I took a lot of t-shirts and Disney apparel to wear…family time, right?  Well, I really appreciate all the other women who saw fit to walk around with skimpy, skin tight tanks tops and mini skirts with their kids (sometimes no husband present) while I honored THEM by dressing appropriately for family outtings with mine.  Ouch. 

That plus having larangitis distanced me from my husband…and I’ve still felt “viral” after all his hard work and dedication providing for and planning the trip.  So…I’m in a post-vacation funk of sorts.  The Lord needs to work on my heart. I’m trying to stay thankful instead. 

I’d like to think that those women just needed Jesus, but anymore, that’s not the case.  We have mixed sensuality with femininity to the point where it’s seen to be “cute” to expose very sensual and erotic zone with no afterthought, as if we have no idea what that does to the male mind (or enjoying that “power” too much!).  It’s not fair to me!  Even if this woman’s husband was walking around with a her…HEe acted bored and dis-engaged, while the “sights” are all new to my kids, me, and mine! 

It’s not the time or place!  Mam, your husband is used to seeing you all the time.  My husband is NOT.  We could do without it.  Too much to ask? 

Not to ramble, but does anyone even know what “modesty” means? I have a very dedicated, loyal, admiring, and respectful man…but it still annoys me when people take advantage of our commitment to each other by tempting that commitment.  And…you know, I guess it should really annoy me and make me mad. 

I wish it were an easier battle and didn’t predominate so much of what could be great entertainment==we are so out of whack with the “sensual” thing.  It’s eating dynamite and never expecting it to explode.   

 Lord, help me in goals and frustrations and inadequacies to just delight, every day.  Delight myself in you, as the Psalms say.  To not get irritable and down, and frustrated, but walk in the joy and approval you lavish on us!  Thank you in advance! 

Maggie

Sunday & People

Today I do not feel well.  My second day home.  I was so excited to go to worship, but my fever has come back as it did on Tuesday.  My skin aches and feels chilled.  I am “blinking slowly”.  My throat still hurts to try to speak.  I do have some volume now.  It has me very down. 

I feel much like the characters at Disney, walking around, needing to smile at people, wanting them to feel “the magic” of friendship, and not having the strength to engage or the sound to talk.  The characters at Disney cannot speak…did you know that?  Can you imagine all day seeing children smile, giving hugs, and yet…never being allowed to or able to engage?  Not being capable of relationship? 

How lonely a feeling.   

I think many people are like that.  Smiling on the outside.  Knowing that is what is expected.  A “glued-on” smile…or none at all.  Afraid of, or incapable of closeness or realness, or intimacy, or relationship…for a lot of reasons.  Hurt.  Politics.  Protectiveness.

We were made for relationship.  We were built for conversation.  Intimacy.  Fellowship.  “Knowing” one another.  “Relating”.  Noticing each other.  Affection.

I miss people today.  I miss real people.  Real relationships.  Real…phone conversations that take time, have substance, share stupidities of life:  funny moments.  That rejoice in simple sharing, and real ministry based on knowing.  I am so thankful I have friends who meet this need in my life…and that I have something to miss.  I fear, and imagine that many people do not know this…and wonder why they are left “wanting” with their faith and community. 

Lord, get us past our pains.  Heal us.  Help us to know what you meant by that mysterious Greek word “koinoinia”.

*cough, hack, cough*.  (Um…you might want to keep your distance for a bit!)  Uggggghhhhh. 

~Maggie 

Blessing, Honor…and Revenge? What Kind of Volcano Are You?

“Living hell is the best revenge.” Adreieene E. Gusoff

I’ve subscribed to “quote of the day”.  I love reading the quotes that challenge me to consider worldly wisdom vs. godly wisdom (scripture tells us their IS a difference!)  Tricky and vile.  Worldy “wisdom” is the road to death, it says, and godly wisdom is the road to life.  If I am going to have a tendency to get the two “wisdoms” confused, it seems to me that I need to stay sharp and not let “good reasoning skills” affect my ability to hear God’s heart toward me, and His truth.

So, this quote today:  “Living hell is the best revenge.”

This reminds me of some godly wisdom I read once starting with “Honor your father and mother and your days will be long on the earth” (Exodus 20:12, Deut. 5:16, Matt 15:4, Matt 19:19).  It doesn’t matter who your parents are or what they’ve done, just their bringing you into the world is worthy of your honoring and respecting what they HAVE done for you….not talking about and focusing on what they haven’t.  Train your tongue.   

That said to me that if God intends us to treat our parents this way…with such high esteem and regard no matter what…it is not too far a stretch to imagine that he wants us to treat each other that way, too.  Not just for their benefit, but for ours.  That our “days would be long”.  I don’t think this necessarily implies living to old age, but having a blessed, full, honorable life.  That’s what I want…God’s blessing on my life!  For my days to count. 

When I say, “We need to honor that person even though they are walking in rebellion, or sin. ” , people flinch.  They don’t get it.  They want the person to suffer.  God isn’t doing a good enough job in their opinion, so they help him out some.  With someone who’s been confronted and continues to walk in sin, some of that response by the church may be warranted to help them turn around…only God can tell you that. 

But, here, we are speaking of revenge.  We don’t want to walk in a state of “blessing/honoring” people who have hurt us.  To not act out is so contrary to human nature.  Yet, think of the impact Joseph had on his brothers when God freed his heart to love and care for them!  And look at what Joseph named his sons:  Ephraim and Manasseh.  Ephraim, meaning, “God has made me to forget my pain“, and Manasseh, meaning, “God will make me fruitful in the place of my pain.” 

Wow.   What a development of maturity, both in choosing to “forget” and allowing self to “remember”, later, enough for him to then use it in his life to restore even, in this case, those who had hurt him.  Healing is a process.

This worldly quote shows the transverse of that spirit.  To let hate and revenge bring our sense of justice out on the person.  To not offer them our favor or blessing.  To speak against them. Criticize.  Joust.  AND make sure no one else respects them or their ministry either.  To hinder them, and put up roadblocks to their friendships and potential ability to reach someone we know by our recounting our pain and blocking relationships.  To make sure nobody ever really forgets or forgives them, or trusts them.  We can hinder the body of Christ that way.  We can have a friend or two who can handle our heart’s on-going sagas, but even that can most times be done in a way with a “nameless perpetrator” policy.  Many times, you can still figure it out with little effort, and that’s not great either, but try and see if it doesn’t build up the world around you instead of tearing it down.  See if it doesn’t better honor your own process, and your friend’s. 

Our heart is so naturally inclined toward revenge in the flesh.  We act out without thinking.  Only by the grace of God can we respond in love.  No matter what we’ve done, God wants to bless us for what we’ve done right (perhaps at the SAME time he is disciplining and testing us).  And we are to have the same heart for each other.  To bless and not “curse” people.  To enjoy the mix of all they are, and the mix of all we are…very imperfect, even at our best.

Look at the parent relationship:  I may discipline my kids, yet hug them, give them a special treat, and encourage them, all in the same day to make sure they are holding up.  Often when we speak out criticism regarding someone…and all they leave with is our criticism.  It’s as much of a blow to “big people”.

I think of our lives as Christians are very powerful.  We are like volcanoes, filled with hot lava, molten rock, pressure, and power.  Whatever is in us determines what comes out of us when we blow.  What comes out of you?  Is it an awesome display of light, nature, wonder, and power…gently flowing, having warned those around that you are fragile and needing to release?  Or… is it something destructive and retaliatory, angry, and damaging?  Pressure comes where there is power.  We all “spew”.  But, we can still try to do it in a way that is respectful to those around us.  We can let them know where we are honestly (often without detail)…unstable, about to blow, in need of support. 

I’m not yet happy with what explosive elements do to me internally.  I waste too much time in self pity and frustration and crying out against God.  And I hate that.  It’s just life…it’s happens to all of us.  Hopefully I’ll learn to walk in a deeper and deeper faith.  He is most definitely in control of my life, hearing me, caring for me–even when I feel denied and unheard and ignored and attacked.  And that’s when I feel like “blowing”…and am most inclines to “blow it”.   I know I”ll still ”feel” even emotion under the sun…I’ll writhe, wiggle, and scream.  (And perhaps be my best creative self!)  But, I can know His word is true, and He’ll pull me out.  He is there.  He hears.  He is holding my heart in his hand, holding it close to his cheek.  I can know that.  He has proven faithful to deliver me too many times…even when I didn’t deserve it. Grace.  Mercy.

There’s a current CCM song out there playing that says,  ”Do I have to scream, for you to hear me?”  I hear it in my head on days like that! 

Yes.  I’ll cleave to my Bible and find my fortress…the same David used.  I’ll run to my help and my tower and I’ll hide out there like a baby, knowing that’s where I’m the strongest, and most protected by the Lord.  I’ll know that I’m not alone.  Everyone who feels forsaken, isn’t.  Many have gone before me.  They’ve learned to walk in faith with a heart turned to steel hope, trusting no matter what the day looks like.  I want that kind of hard-headed love for the Lord.  Not to be fake, but to trust deeper.  To be like a duck, water flowing off my back.

I hate to think what it’s going to take for me to be tested enough to have a strong faith!  The kind of faith I want and need?  I don’t look forward to the testing process, but I can’t live an effective life of faith without…well, faith! And he is gentle and kind.  He won’t push me further than I can go.  But, it might hurt.  Just like have to “hurt” my kids at times to force them to make the best decisions when their laziness or pride don’t want to try. 

Lord, work me through the emotion… to the place Joseph and David found.  Don’t let me flounder too long in intensity of emotions too deep for me.  Comfort me.  Pull me out to a higher place, a higher plane.  Help me mature to walk in perserverance and faith.  I wrote a comment today that I used to judge mature Christians as being fake because they never seem to flinch.  But, the older I get, the more I see the deep power down in their volcano, stable, and restrained for the peace,safety, and security of those around them.  They’ve learned the secret that it’s NOT about them.  Wow.     

This got long.  Oh well, it was a fast write, just on the tip of my heart today.  (Hope you are a scanner or speed reader!) 

What kind of volcano are you? 

~”Mag” 

    

I Forget to Die

Everybody’s abuzz about how to do confrontation and correction this week.  Frankly, I hate it…and yet I love it, and need it, and couldn’t live without it.  I know it. Receiving it, giving it.  They say there are inadvertent and smooth, painless, and totally humble, prayerful ways to do it.  I’ve talked to some Christians who say they’ve NEVER been lovingly confronted about anything that they know of, and many say they “hate confrontation”. 

But, aren’t relationships are about confrontation?  Like it or not.   Being pushed and pulled and loved along the way?

Some say, “Oh, but I will find someone who loves me just the way I am.  They understand me.  No matter what, they are just rooting for me.” 

Lord, Jesus, help.  Light confronts darkness, somebody wise-sounding once told me after I’d been hammered…not the time I wanted to hear it, but I needed to.  Darkness, however, cannot “confront” light, but it swallowed up in light.  I guess, in the end, what ”stays” from it comes out in the wash…eventually.   

I do know that if I don’t have somebody correcting me pretty hard and fast at this stage of the game…it’s a total wipeout on my end…I am just REALLY that prone to total disaster.  I have to have people in my life re-centering me, people who get their feelings hurt and are big enough to tell me instead of 15 other people, peope who remind me of where I’m going, what we’re doing…let me know if I’m making a lick of difference doing it or just toally self absorved.  I need to know.   

Can’t totally change course based on everything people, but, if affects you whether they know what they are talking about or not. 

It always hurts.  Does it have to hurt to get us to move?  When I look at parenting, I tend to think so.  “Only reinforce the positive and the negative will disappear!”  some child gurus try to say.  Hmmm.  When’s the last time you lived with three toddlers 24-7?  I want to say the same to the body of Christ.  Nitty gritty, living it out, day to day, losing touch…somebody misunderstands, misreads, misjudges…or judges correctly, and BAM!  Confrontation…loving or not.  Silent treatment.  Avoidance.  Crass comments meant to zing a bit…tack a big of shine off your shimmer.  All these are “confrontation”.  Not all of the healthy or desireable. 

What’s it like for somebody to look into the heart of who we are and say…”In my humble opinion, I love you, but you are so missing the mark.  I’m hurt.“, or “You are so about to get hurt” or “have the potential to cause pain”.    The hurt may be their problem, or it may be yours, but there IS a problem.  

Sometimes…God just seems to want me back in their life.  Yeah!  Confrontation is the only way they knew how to get me back in.  And I’m there.  The whole confrontation or questioning wasn’t the issue at all.  Don’t get too wigged out over problems, or perceived problems.  Be honored that it’s real. 

My typical response initally short term being confronted?   Pride.  Judgment toward the person.  Avoid the person.  Generally judge the person more.  Get more easily irritated toward the person.  A lack of fun and general enjoyment of life around person.  Cranky around person.  Know they love me in some tormented kind of way…but it’s not a fulfilling thing. 

I’ve been on the receiving end of my fair share of correction.  Leading in the body of Christ…you are a target.  Some of it may be a tool of the enemy of your heart to tear you down and rip you up.  You stay at war, even when you are vulnerable.  Your faith has to convince you anything will work for good if both of you are called according to God’s purposes, even if you both totally screwed up in the whole process of relationship.  Stay humble, and God will fix it.  It may be different than it was before, but who is to say what is better?  Confrontation takes us deeper.  Sometimes deeper than we every wanted to go! 

This is confrontation.  Is it always this hard or harsh?  No.   

I received “confrontation” yesterday.  I asked for it, actually, because I knew I needed it.  I was venting my little heart out on an issue near and dear to my heart, and I was in a very “Ecclesiastical” mood about it:  “The ungodly proceed!  The godly are considered backward, illigit, ineffective, and get stepped on!  What’s WITH that?  If you can’t beat ‘em, join ’em!” 

Friend took me, took the time to sit me on my backside and said, “No!  Not true!  God rewards the just…you better believe it and have confident in that or you are going to get your butt kicked.  I know you know better, but don’t you stay there.  In fact, if it helps to know, I’ll kick your sorry butt myself and you sorely know it.” 

Never a truer word has been spoken.

Do you have friends who you can depend on to kick your sorry tail?  Find some.  Either that or spin in cirlces for days until you are so dizzy you can’t breathe and don’t know which end it up.  This is the confusion of life.  All you have to do is have somebody speak the truth to you. It’s very simple.  Find the person who will “do truth to you”.  Clear motive.  No hidden agenda.  Just hashing it out with you on a fairly regular basis.  Get in the word.  Get over “feeling”.  Feeling is an important part of who you are…but it doesn’t need to guide who you are.    

I need to be reminded what the fire of hell feels like!  Yeah, I’m saved, but God can put you in the fire–and he will leave you there a while until you remember who He is.  I don’t care for hell on earth.  It’s not for me. 

Been licked by some fire lately?  Feel the heat?  Getting singed?  Wonder if you will always smell like smoke with holes in your clothes, hanging off raw shoulders? 

Only way to jump out of that fryin’ pan is to get real cozy with the Living Water.  It doesn’t touch Him.  It will eat you alive.  

Confrontation can be made easier to swallow, but I tell you, the process of “refining”…it’s hot.  Not many can take it.  Sometimes I can’t, as good and healthy as it is.  I have to take a break…the best of the best need a self imposed “time out”.  Take one.  But, come back…and don’t stay bitter while you “hold”. 

Don’t you love it when change in you is invisible?  Oh yeah.  You don’t know it’s happening to you at all until somebody says, ”You know what, you are so different than you were two years ago!”  My kids grow that way…but not always.  We’re the same.  “Grown up” seven year olds that we are.

I hope we are gracious doing it.  It can still rip people from end to end.  Just keep loving them.  I don’t really care so much anymore how it’s done, or if it’s perfect–as long as it’s God’s undeniable leading. 

You know, before God has told me to speak truth to somebody, or make a call, or check on them….I decide I’m busy or don’t want to get involved, or don’t need to get involved.  I choose to “pray instead”.  Yeah, prayer is great, but outside obedience, it’s left a little lacking.  God already “prayed”…”conversed” with me (without my “Amen” unfortunately.).  But, I have to have a quiet time and get cleaned up and know for sure what he wants me to say and do, and know for sure that it won’t totally disrupt my life?  Right.  Add divorce and bunch of other “hells” for a lot of innocent people, and confrontation doesn’t look so bad in comparison.

Jesus was, if anything, confrontational.  The truth is by nature, confrontational.  Grace means we can confront in a way that doesn’t damage people so much that they are incapacitated to move.  They feel loved and supported and have the “freedom to fail”, but empowered, implored to try something new.  Check on, follow up, and pray for people as you share “your heart” with them!  Confrontation shouldn’t always feel like a “make it or break it” thing.  Relationship is hard. Ministry is hard.  “War” is hard. 

Most of my prayers these days are for God to confront me, whatever it takes.  Gulp.  Did I really just say that?  Yeah…it has to be a “kill me” prayer.  Jesus, you live.  ”Die daily.” the word says.  I seriously doubt I’m ever gonna “like” dying the daily way…i’m sometimes ”livin” it up and forgetting to die altogether.  I get so distracted I “forget to die”…until I get miserable resting that I remember what it is that means something…the thing that I forgot.  And His life in me is always so much more inspired and powerful and awesome than my own!  I wish I could walk it more fully, all the time.  In His grace.  But, I believe lies and get tired and forget.     

Here’s other views that got me spinning on this.  See his comment section….good stuff to think on there.  It’s raw…this is how people feel, at least short term after being “confronted”.  Is it worth it long term?  How do we do it “right”?  How do you receive it “right”?  ”Lovingly confront”–is it always “one way”…one size fits all?  How might the person treat us?  Is it worth it?      

How Do I Forgive a Crush on My Husband/Wife? (Boundaries to “Affair Proof” Your Marriage)

Question:

A woman asks of google a genuine question in a string search who landing, somehow, on my blog.  It’s deserving a genuine answer, and I’m not sure anyone has addressed it.  She asks,

“How do I forgive a woman who has a crush on my husband?”

So, what guidelines would you offer this lady?   If you find yourself, or friends there, what counsel do you have, if any?  Oh, crushes are “normal”?  Thoughts you might have:  It will pass.  Probably harmless.  Get over it.  You’re too sensitive.  Nothing wrong with a little casual flirtation now and then.  You’re too serious.

These are all responses I’ve heard in our culture.  We won’t go into whether these are right or wrong, but I’m not sure any of them are helpful to people nativigating the waters, or hurting.

“Forgiveness”:

Forgiving takes time in these situations.  To whatever degree, we have felt violated in an important area.  It’s a challenge for all of us.

Just keep working at relationships…they are the hardest work there is.  It’s a process.  But, worth it.   ”With God, all things are possible”.  (Bible, NT).

But, let’s extent this a little further, because it’s likely some “boundaries” here have been crossed that need some examination.

I’m going to start with a definition of the word “boundaries”. Boundaries are pre-determined, or common sense ways, or even intuition we carry that defines our “safe space”.  We have boundaries, almost like walled protection, around things inportant to us.  There are gates in the wall, where we may choose to let some people closer than others.  There are fences, perhaps internal to that, which also help give us the developmental and protective “space” we need in which to thrive.

Our “boundaries” as a couple should help protect our sense of safety.  If those have not been talked about or clearly discussed, now might be the time to read a marriage book together on the topic.  “BOUNDARIES” by Henry Cloud and John Townsend might be a good place to start.

Behavior that seems offensive to us needs to be dealt with.  A spouse should be willing to take whatever steps are necessary to help the other spouse feel safe within reasonable limits, depending on the severity of the fear.  We need to deal with the behavior first, and at the same time, begin working on our relationship with our spouse. THEN, we can deal with the other person at some point in regard to forgiveness.  For now, the person needs to be pushed as far and deliberately out of the picture as possible until the relationship feels solid again.  They see that we protect it first, then relationship can be attempted again until the walls and fences have been more clearly defined.  This is a process and sometimes a painful one.  But this in and out time period is important, especially where there is a three-some or four-some.  All the lines need to cross gracefully and respectfully.  Times of “apart-ness” need to test the commitment to primary relationships in the group.  It is, in some ways, a testing ground.  Will the marriage survive as primary?  It always should.   Never should, “you are just too jealous” be said.  Safe people do not get as squirm-ish.  Respect will generally flow from healthy relationships.  It is not a given.

We consider not only the space of the person we are dealing with, but also their spouse, for they are one.  God makes us “one” when we join in marriage.

Sensitivity and respect are necessary for us to interact in healthy ways in community, and it takes some experience and, as I said, some trial and error,  to navigate those waters.  With TV shows acting as if platonic and  deep cross-gender relationships outside the marriage should always be okay, we struggle to find what is Biblical.  The spouse needs to be the center of focus in any relationship.

Is my concern justified? Since I started this entry, I hear this question from people fairly often.  Your concern is likely justified if your radar keeps going up concerning the person.  It is justified if you are uncomfortable.  Don’t make “I’m right and you are wrong” statements.  But try to set up situations where you are more comfortable.  We are to respect one another’s weaknesses, scripture says.  Sometimes we are so bent out of shape in efforts to “not be a jealous spouse” that we don’t really protect our spouses, and our own hearts, as we should.  Often, one spouse will have discernment on an issue before the other does who is in the relationship.  Yes, people can get out of balance with insecurities, sometimes those seasons come and go, but we can honor each other as the Lord deals with them on insecurities.  We protect each other as a priority…we pray along with them, and we adjust.  Our marriage should be our most fulfilling relationship on earth, and it can be.  Work on it.

What does scripture actually say on this topic? First, Let me address my thoughts on what I believe is a mis-applied verse:  ”Love is not jealous” in 1 Cor. 13.  As far as I can tell, that verse does not mean that jealousy has no place in married life.  “Love is not jealous” applies to wanting what others have, being envious, or being inordinately, and possessively jealous, or hyper-paranoid.  However, jealously has a place in marriage.  God Himself is described as “a jealous God”, and he is also “love” defined.  How can these two co-exist?  Because he gave us the model for monogomous relationships.  We are to love Him first and foremost, about all else, forsaking all others.  He wants our marriages to follow that model, laying down all others for the good of our marriage.

Let me say this:  it can be counterproductive to tell an unobservant husband that some friend or lady appears to have a crush on him!  You might say, “lately I’m struggling with _________”.  Could you please watch and be sure around them for a while?  I just feel outside of that.  Timing is everything, tone is everything.  But, every so often, “the talk” needs to happen, if it is frustrating you to the point where you frequently worry.

First, pray for him that his eyes would be opened.

Second, pray for your marriage, that you will be as willing to learn, understand, and meet needs which may be unmet.

Thrid, instill frequent, fun times to lighten the tone and rekindle.

Fourth, pray for your own heart condition.  If you are jealous of appearance, weight, hair, dress, profession, charms…then deal with the jealousies in your heart. You may need some time to deal with those, and if you do, it calls for some time.  Deal with your stuff.

A word of caution:  Do NOT play,”get even” games with your spouse.  If he/she can get away with _______, I can have a little fun, too!  See how they feel!  This is no time for games and scores. It’s time to learn, mature, and grow into leaders together, influencing the world as you are called to do.

Family is God’s biggest calling on our lives…to learn to do it well, and LEARN TO ENJOY IT FULLY!  He wants us to have a good life together!  We can be happy together, or we can be miserable together, but we are called to stay together.  He gives us the tools to do it well.

I’ve gotten my tail feathers sprung here and there by others at times, just as you likely have.  I have a very faithful man and feel utterly safe as a rule, but a reality check:  if you think you or your spouse is beyond an affair, beyond stumbling or struggling, even if at just a heart level, think again.  We are all vulnerable–things happen; we are tested.  Each of us, on either side.  If either of you are rehearsing conversations, or looks or glances, or interactions…you know.  If you are thinking about a person’s assessment of you as you get dressed or groom, you know. If you are looking forward to conversations with the person, you know. If you are reacting to the person inordinately, or too often, you know.  There is no need for paranoia, but there is a constant need for heart checks, and…for boundaries.  God doesn’t tell us to be careful around temptations, he commands us to FLEE from them.  That doesn’t mean that we can’t enjoy people and anticipate having a good time when we are with them.  But, it does mean that we have self-examination to heed, or we may have a net set around our feet that is about to trip us up and tangle us up to the point that we have a very hard time seeing how it happened, or knowing how to get out without some broken bones.

Accountability

You may say to a close mentor, “Watch me for a while, I’m feeling tempted a lot lately and I need some prayer covering.”  They will.  You may need to be general about it, you may need to be more specific when the time calls for it.

Pro-Active Marriages Fare Better than Re-Active Ones:

We have to be pro-active in a culture whose divorce rates are soaring.  Pay the price for long term commitment. There is a lot at stake: witness, marriage, the family unit, example to your kids, the honor of Christ, and the happy, fulfilling, faithful living that God intended for us to have in all it’s fullness!

Formally Defining Boundaries

Couples will have to define together, and re-define initial boundaries here and there as life, situations, and needs change.   These help keep us in check if we see ourselves moving beyond what we agreed at one time were “safe” behaviors.  The set-point will call us back into check, or our spouse will!  Don’t get angry.  Praise God!

“We had agreed you would call before ever…to ask my permission” has powerful weight.  It will buy us time and often save us from situations that otherwise we might fall into for lack of good judgment or excuses.  “We are just good friends…everybody knows that”, etc.  “Other people do it”.  “It won’t hurt once.”  “This is a special circumstance”.  “I’m just…” , or “I was the only person to _____”.

At the risk of you taking a boundary that doesn’t apply to you, I’ll share one from my own marriage.  We always calls to ask my permission before riding alone with a person of the opposite sex, no matter who it is.  This often comes in handy to save either of us getting into a situation we don’t need to be in.  We simply say that we need to call home first and if the other isn’t comfortable, we simply say, “I’m so sorry, I’m going to have to get right home.  I hope you get it worked out.  If you still can’t find a ride, call US and WE’LL come rescue you!”  No need for the whys.  Just cover yourself with your spouse.

DO BOUNDARIES MAKE ME FEEL IRRESPONSIBLE, LIKE A CHILD?

I am not sure why spouses today seem to feel the need to “trust” one another to the point of not setting healthy boundaries, but that is a trend.  NOT having some boundaries WILL create trust issues.  If we know what the expectations are, we know how to please our spouse and protect them.  That FEELS GOOD.  It may prick short term when you feel “checked”, but it feels good long-term, when you stand the test, and your spouse feels secure.  When our primary aim is to honor our spouse, we do not feel “policed” as much as our marriage feels PROTECTED.  You will feel good knowing your marriage is something your spouse cares about saving!

How do you set “boundaries”?  What are you talking about? I gave you one example from our lives, it doesn’t have to apply to you.  Your work situation may call for it often.  It’s just one we have set.  Sometimes, it doesn’t matter what they are, it’s just that you are making yourself accountable and submissive to the terms of another person instead of doing your own thing, trusting yourself overly, in every situation.

I love this verse and the expansion the Ampified version of the Bible gives it:

Philippians 2:12
Therefore, my dear ones, as you have always obeyed [my suggestions], so now, not only [with the enthusiasm you would show] in my presence but much more because I am absent, work out (cultivate, carry out to the goal, and fully complete) your own salvation with reverence and awe and trembling (self-distrust, with serious caution, tenderness of conscience, watchfulness against temptation, timidly shrinking from whatever might offend God and discredit the name of Christ).

Again, I often hear one partner say of another, “She/He just doesn’t trust me.”

Friends, the truth of the matter we need to embrace, according to the word of God, is that we don’t even need to trust ourselves.

Hello?

Did you read that scripture?  Seriously.

What we CAN trust is the word of God.  Yes, we can pray for wisdom, receive it, act on it, “without wavering” as the book of James commends us to do.  We can trust things the Lord tells us to do and how He tells us to live.

It’s the everyday whims, interactions, and situations where we can get caught off-guard where we must be very careful.

The trust is, we are not a trust-worthy people by nature.  NONE of us. Don’t go comparing your spouse to someone else’s who doesn’t seem to be bothered or care about anything.  You are married to YOUR spouse.  Honor them.  Your concern is not the marriage down the street and what he or she “gets away with”.

Hopefully, we learn to become trustworthy and have a reputation that makes it easy for our spouse to relax somewhat.  But, it is the work of God in us constantly checking each of us that maintains a holy and goldy life, not something inherent to our character or some natural sense of faithfulness or goodness we think we possess. Scripture reminds us  “Therefore let anyone who thinks he stands [who feels sure that he has a steadfast mind and is standing firm], take heed lest he fall [into sin].” (1 Corinthians 10:12 AMP).

Disciplines help keep our hearts safe, making daily interactions easier.

MORE ON BOUNDARIES:

Boundaries can be common sense, or due to intuition, but not necessarily.  Realize that different people have different expectations, limits, and comfort zones for what makes them feel secure and safe.  Each spouse may have different needs.  Nevertheless, boundaries set for one will probably apply to the other to keep things feeling “fair.

Men and women have different basic needs, however.  Security is a primary need for most women in relationships.  Without it, waters are very rough for sailing!

SOME PROTECTIVE BOUNDARIES I’VE HEARD:

I’ll share some boundaries we’ve heard through the years that sold both of this on this idea.  See if these don’t show respect for a spouse.

“I do not go up an elevator with a woman alone when I am on business at hotels.  In that way, I am never tempted to deal with uncomfortable situations and I avoid even the appearance of evil”.  (Billy Graham said something to that effect, sorry I do not have the exact quote).

James Dobson has held similar guidelines for traveling alone.

Another I respected said, “At hotels, I have the cable turned off to my hotel room, or ask for the TV to be removed if that cannot be done to avoid inappropriate channel surfing.”  He just knew his curiousity was too high for the temptation when he was bored and alone.

Here is another many couples I know have taken on:  “I will not counsel a cross gender person on issues of their spouse, marriage, or intimacy issues.  I will defer those people to my spouse, or schedule times to talk when we are together.”  Some professionals, counselors, and church staff, must work around this issue in other ways, but for the general public, even deacons, this is often a good rule of thumb.  It cannot be entirely avoided, at times, but you can see warning signs, and divert care-givers to these people who are more healthy for them long-term.

CAN’T WE HAVE FUN?

Yes!  Living life well is fun!  There is no more fulfilling life.  Honor for the spouse is the priority.  These couples want to do whatever it takes to protect what is stated to be most important to both of them, especially for what they perceive to be “high-risk” situations.

Some people are geared to be, (or negligent in being, depending on how you want to view it) more “playful” than others.  Some “playfulness” can be tempered with maturity and exemplify priorities like love, respect, and honor for an esteemed spouse.  If the spouse is honestly not offended, carefully consider witness on this issue.  What you and your spouse may be strong enough to handle, young people, or young marriages around you may be playing with fire to try to emulate.  There is nothing so painful as seeing someone follow in your footsteps… and fall.  Nothing.

“Humanity”, or what is called simply”human-ness”, “attachments” can so entagle us that foolishness can start “looking wise in our own eyes”. We may feel that what is clearly common sense no longer applies to us.  For this reason, accountability with our spouse and others is so important…it holds us true to ground zero– “center”.

NEEDS:

While a spouse is not always at fault for the faithlessness chosen by a spouse, it is important to try to keep your relationship healthy.  A healthy marriage is a more resilient marriage.  A healthy marriage should make temptations easier to resist.  A healthy marriage should feel like something very much worth protecting in a world where they are hard to find.

I’m not sure that I can cover these topics in full here, but they are some ideas to prayerfully consider if you are struggling on either end of this spectrum, the offending spouse, or the one offended.

You are Changing and Growing:

Unmet, or even “created” “needs” can begin to dominate reasoning processes to the point where we are not using good sense.  In such a setting, excuses and reasonings can begin to sound like “God’s provision” when they are not.  A time like that isn’t logically a time to trust yourself.  It’s a time to use common sense.

I say “created needs” because your spouse, not another person, should be the first to know when your “needs” are changing. I also say “created needs” because Satan has a good way of creating or magnifying “needs” we may not even have known we had; now we suddenly “deserve” to have filled.  He trips us up.  He is not called “the deceiver” for nothing.  We become “me” centered…much more than usual. A breakdown begins.

Now, you may have to tell your spouse, even though someone else picked up on it first!  That’s okay!  It’s okay it they thought they “knew” you, and you’ve changed a little.  It’s okay if family responsibilities haven’t allowed them to see the person you’ve become.  Family life is very consuming.  They probably know you better than anyone on the planet, in fact!

Change is the maturing process of life, and we must choose to continue to reveal ourselves to one another, just as God reveals Himself to us along our path.  While He is the same yesterday, today, and forever, we are constantly “getting to know” Him!  Our marriages are just as rich. Celebrate that! Don’t just assume that you are “no longer in love” because someone along your path suddenly “knows you better” than your spouse may at any given moment.  Simply recognize this and to draw closer to your spouse, while possibly “blocking” any “intruder” to your faithfulness.

Arrange times to reveal yourself to your spouse, and give them opportunity to stay in love with the person you are becoming.

Don’t assume they will grow with you if you are not creating common pathways.  Build your lives around one another.  That’s how you stay married…not by walking in opposite directions for so long that you claim you’ve just ‘fallen out of love’.

Love is nurtured and built, not just dropped in our laps.  The most enduring loves must choose to grow together, and even choose to wait on one another to catch up to where we are at times.

One suggestion might be to try to arrange some marriage retreat time and work on new goals for your relationship together.  Take those times seriously when your spouse tries to talk to you.

Don’t go blaming your spouse for not meeting needs they didn’t realize you were having.

THE GIFT OF CONTENTMENT:

Don’t expect family life to feel like the same thrill as the dating stage was!  You have a lifetime of work cut out for you, especially those of you raising children or caring for aging family members.

Realize that there is a great stability and calm and reliability to the “sameness” of marriage…enjoy it’s benefits without wishing for times that are past, with all their moodiness, unpredictability, and…dare I say, expense?

Learn the art of contentment.  “Godliness with contentment [NIV] (that contentment which is a sense of inward sufficiency) is great gain. “(I Timothy 6:6 AMP).  What does “inward sufficiency” come from if not from Christ who is our “all” and “all in all”?  Letting Christ be your completion fills the holes of these times if you will let him, sometimes, while the dust settles and things calm.  Continuing to allow access to your life by a third person while saying you are “trusting Christ” probably only means you are fooling yourself.  If someone has come in between you and your spouse, cut off the relationship.

While growing together, also learn to appreciate the joy of being able to rest in your marriage relationship without expecting it to constantly maintain the “spark” of a new relationship.  In marriage, there will be moments of “spark”, but there will also be days of “work” and “mood” and “sickness”.  This is marriage.

“Growing Apart”

Getting too attached to someone outside the marriage can, and most likely WILL interfere with relationship with our own spouse.  Suddenly, someone else knows more about what is going on with us than our spouse does, and there is great danger in that.  I am not referring to professional counseling situations that are needful, but those need to be examined.

Keep the focus what, or rather WHO, should be the focus.

Yes, I believe that your marriage partner SHOULD be your best opposite gender friend.  If he/she is not, there is much room for improvement, and much room for caution.

Needs:

Let’s talk some more on “needs”.  How can we find out what our needs are?  A book I recommend is,  His Needs Her Needs:  Building an Affair-Proof Marriage.

This is a book to be completed in a marriage class.  A strong leader guiding a class through this book can build you up, hold you to task, challenge you, and take you higher than you’ve ever been in relationship with your spouse.  You’ll come out a different couple.

You might be asking, does every single need we have get met in marriage?  Not entirely.  But there is a healthy cluster of “need-meeting” that defines who we are as a couple…it builds us up, and is basic to the health of a marriage.  “Need-meeting” can be greatly improved for most of us so that we are “satisfied” (even without being married to the “perfect spouse”…and no one is “perfect“!

We all have strengths and weaknesses, things we need to improve on.

THE PROBLEM WITH “STARTING OVER”

Did you know that second marriages a greater chance statistically of also failing?  Third marriages even more so!  Let the one go, and cling to the cherished “spouse of your youth” as Proverbs says.  Make a commitment to just keep getting better!  You can do it together.

There is, actually, no “starting over”.  What happens in all our relationships, we carry with us through life…they become part of who we are and have become.  They help  make us, form, and shape us.  This is why scripture encourages us to be careful who our friends are, for we will become like them.  We become “one” when we marriage in God’s eyes.  There is nothing to make us “un-one” with him.  We take remnants of that with us wherever we go.  Childen still embrace both parents and their “ONE” family of origen.  We cannot take that from them.  To try to do so is very harmful, even to adulthood.  Imagine the discomfort of not being able to suddenly discuss one parent interaction in front of the other without a tinge of bitterness and anger in every conversation.  How miserable for children!  To learn to love is the better choice, when it is physically and emotionally possible to do so.  I am not speaking here of long-term situations of abuse or severe cases of neglect.

HIS life; HER life…

Some couples seem to isolate certain areas of their personal lives as “my zone”.  That is okay, but also take care to have interests and hobbies you share together, even if it isn’t your “thing”…support your spouse.  Learn about their interests.  Be a cheerleader.  Enjoy watching them do what they do well.  Celebrate their interests on occasion.  Take some part of the most fun things in their life.  Value the whole of who they are.

HOPE: God offers hope for marriage.  It is His design.  It is the best design.  It is not trouble-free, and it can easily be threatened.  It is God’s commitment to make it work, in His ways, His time.

Who are we to question what He has given?

We have to do it His way or satisfaction will not to follow.

His standards.

You have been made aware:  hormones and emotional attachments can grow strong!  So, don’t tempt the human being you are.  Respect it.  Flee from temptation.

Don’t dance with it for the joy of the song.  Turn off the music and walk back to your spouse.  Find your music there!  It is playing, however quietly.

A Biblical principle :  “to honor family above all else is to honor God above all else.”

Honor God by setting yourself up to stay “honorable”.

HOW IT BEGINS:

Nobody sets out one day to have an affair.  Lines are crossed.

Pride is our enemy.

Reasoning takes it’s toll.

Boundaries are about learning how to do battle BEFORE trouble takes hold.  Few recover after it does.  Though some do.  Learn how to recover if you fall.

Learn how to pull away when you need to.  It is not a sign of weakness, but a sign of strength.  Character is learned.  Pass the tests!

Remember that it is YOUR marriage.  You two have to make the rules to some degree.  You are not responsible for setting them for everyone else and judging them for not following guidelines that work for you.

Boundaries you set are for the protection and honor of your marriage and spouse. Think about sticky situations in advance together so that you consider how to respond in ways that honor the Lord and your marriage. God says there is no test where they is not a way out.  Plan the escape routes NOW!  Rehearse the words you will say–rehearsed or prepared responses may save the day.  They will allow you to say, “This is how I treat everyone to honor my spouse, it’s not personal.”

While these ideas are meant to be read in the context of cross-gender interactions for married couples, some of them are safe principles to keep in mind even for single folks out there.

Some Guides that May Help

• VEHICLES: there is usually a same gender person who can help run the errand, go get the car, or take you home.  It’s too big a set-up if it happens frequently.  No, it doesn’t look co-dependant to call a spouse and ask for permission.  Just don’t volunteer or say “I’ll get back to you in a few minutes on that” if someone asks.  I went into detail as to how you can phrase this above, so I won’t repeat that here.
• MEALS: Eating meals together over conversation, drinking coffee or having break time with one person primarily and often during breaks is a set up.  Recognize the ways we set ourselves up and steer clear.  In most parts of the country, even the “business lunch” can be avoided in favor of safer situations.  Join groups, wait for you spouse or another person to show up.
• SUPPORT: A frequent one I’ve seen that spells trouble:  young moms at church during socials and meals.  Develop and look for supportive people who are healthy for you.  Even a well-meaning deacon can get in the way striving to do nothing more than “serve” initially.  Deacon wives, step in.  Be available to young moms.
• PHONE CALLS: Keep calls pointed.  When points of dead air time are there with no reason to remain on the phone, it’s time to excuse yourself and get back to work.  Don’t extend conversations into involved personal matters if it doesn’t apply to the two of you, and even if it does, don’t make those calls frequent or prolonged.  Deal with it, let your spouse know there is something up (say you are on a ministry team together and need to work something out).  Feel free to ask about their family in general, but don’t delve deeply into personal issues, family issues,  or behavioral issues–invite the couple over to supper and interact as groups if that support is needed.  Deep issues need to be handled with those trained to do the job and truly provide help needed.  Don’t connect with an opposite gender person more than it seems their spouse is–VERY easy to do with IMs, blogs, chat rooms and texting!
• PERSONAL CONVERSATIONS: Don’t talk cross gender about marriage problems, struggles, and frustrations.  You cannot be a safe brother or sister if their heart is hurting.  Send someone who is appropriate if you sense a need, even if you can’t break the confidence…send relationships their way, and trust God with them. Assure them you and your spouse will pray.  Try to shift or cut off the conversation if you need to.  If you are a minister…find good training, have great accountability, keep working at building a strong marriage , and stick to strong personal boundaries.  Have co-ministers who ask you hard questions. and help you vent stresses.
• WATCH SHOWING OFF YOUR SPOUSE: This may sound absurd on first thought, but affair-proofing marriages means you are careful to not create dissatisfaction for the brother or sister who has it hard in that area.  By all means, brag on your spouse as God leads!  In doing so, just try to be sensitive to not provoke jealousy one on one with your co-worker.  Solomon made this mistake, and brought vulnerability on himself when he he showed off even the secret storage rooms of his castle to visitors, noting to them everything he had.  He held nothing back from them.  His castle was invaded shortly thereafter.  Learn from Solomon’s example when it comes to your marriage.
• THE WORKPLACE:  Consider the “open-door” policy.  If you have an office…leave the door open as much as is possible for meetings, talks, and interactions.  Don’t make other Christians cringe with the playful way you interact at work.  Treat people honorably.  Act as if your spouse were present.
• PRAYER: Learn how to pray non-emotionally.  This can feel backward in light of attempts toward authenticity.  But if you need to pray for someone cross gender, be very careful.  Heart ties are formed very easily in prayer, both healthy and unhealthy ones.  Point them to strength of God…not the strength found in hearing YOU pray.  You don’t need to be SuperPerson, Hero of the Day, or The Lone Ranger.  Let a spouse or other “safe people” be the one to “reach their heart” in prayer, or hunt down your spouse before the time of prayer…this honors and values their involvement in your ministry.  You are “one”!
• COMPLIMENTS: this is an area of high need for most people.  Seasoned and matured people have learned to deal with stray flattery and even honest compliments.  We all want and need to be complimented.  But beware of frequent compliments toward the same person or received FROM the same person too often.  Be aware that many spouses do not meet this need well.  Don’t make someone stumble in an attempt to build them up.  Be sensitive and pray for wisdom.  You can be an encourager to people without causing them to stumble.  Strive for this goal.
• SERVICE: In general, men need to take care of men, and women need to meet the needs of women, or couples need to work in pairs.  Jump in there.  Don’t be shy.  If your church doesn’t support this model, gently nudge from time to time and see if doors open for you.
• SPOUSE SUPPORT: Get to know the people your spouse serves — let them know you; be open.  You might take treats to his office, where that may be helpful.  Show yourself to be taking care of him, not pulling him down.  If He has female staff, they will respect and honor you for your commitment to and love for, him. Call during lunch.  Show regular,  priority in these things toward your spouse.  When you honor each other, others will honor your relationship as well.
• DRESS: Pray about what you need to wear each day.  If God doesn’t give you a complete peace about it, stop and change, even if you are in a hurry.  This deals more with women than men, but to many men as well.  If YOU are the focus of your dress rather than the function you need to perform that day, reconsider WHY you are dressing the way you are.  What need are you trying to meet, and should it be met outside of your marriage?  If you are hoping to be noticed and given attention…discipline yourself, and allow God to help grow you to maturity so that you aren’t causing someone else’s spouse to stumble.  Reject the “it you’ve got it, flaunt it” notion, or it’s partner that says you can play up one suite to compensate for lack of strength in another.  The goal is modesty and appropriateness so that no one stumbles.  Women can provoke jealousy and frustration with other women by not respecting these sensitivities.  If you want to flaunt what you’ve got, save it for date night with your spouse.  No one else needs to see you flaunting.   Be well dressed.  Take care of yourself.  Be lovely.  Be handsome and well groomed.  Take good care of yourself and your appearance, only guard the reasons behind what you are doing.

Some of these are to discuss as a couple, some are to prayerfully consider yourself over time.

God bless you as you strive for the joy and happiness God planned for you and yours!

Other Resources:

Focus on the Family (www.FOTF.org)  They have awesome real-life testimonies and tapes

“Marriage Partnership” is a Christian-based magazine which you can subscribe to.  Great “bathroom” reading.

Email, or comment below.  I appreciate your thoughts and will pray for you.

About the author:  “Magnanimity” is a personal blog from a stay-at-home Mom with BS degrees in Individual & Family Development/ Family, & Consumer Finance.  The word “Magnanimity” is a bi-word reminding her to live life purposefully according to scriptural principles. She is married to a wonderful man, and they raise three children together, she plays keyboard in her church band, and has a new chocolate lab named Daisy who will soon weigh more than she does (note: she doesn’t like dogs in particular.)  She does like a lot of hazelnut and vanilla cream, AND sugar in her decaf coffee (a coffee wimp, in other words).

Other related blog entries on related subjects:

The Crush and The Christian Marriage

How Do I Forgive a Crush on My Spouse? (Boundaries in Marriage)

Christian Dress:  I Need to Feel Sexy: Meeting a Real Need

Christian Dress (Part 2): Some Practical Examples

How Do I Get My Spouse to (               ):  Working Together Toward a Spectacular Marriage

A Lovely Hottie…I’m a Christian: How the Heck Do I Dress?

“Help!? How do I survive in a “hot” world and hit a reputation of being, like, “lovely”?!

Okay! Not to panic…

New Blog

Well, here we are…!

My new WordPress home!  Just in time for the celebration and announcement!  Today: 14th Wedding Anniversary!  Woo-hoo! 

My first and foremost thought being:  Do you get any good jewelry at 15?  

 Second thought:  long stem rose on my pillow this morning.  ;)  Good man!  So sweet.

He wants to take me to see SuperMan sometime this week.  I call him SuperMan all the time, and…he is.  He works so hard.  Blesses us with good times.  Loves us immensely, always with a smile, never complaining (not for long and I usually beat you to it). 

I love you, hon!  I planted you some NICE GREEN GRASS on my new blogspace header.  Like it? –Praying for all your big “stuff” today!  God blesses the righteous with his favor. Go get ‘em big guy!

He Came

This week, Jesus came in a burgundy minivan. He offered to bring me milk when I didn’t feel like getting out much. He stayed for lunch.

Today, He arrived today in a wine Explorer (must trade vehicles a lot, but seems to stay with maroon) when my van was in the shop. He shuttled my girl around. I was so glad to get her where she wanted to go. Crazy Mom forgets the day of the week!

In the meantime, He called and asked if I needed green beans, squash, and cabbage. Boy, did I! (No food in the house to speak of.) I took Red for a wagon ride, walked to his house…he sat and visited with me a while. He’d even broken the beans for me. He had grey hair and wrinkles, and was having a hard time getting around. I didn’t mind.

When I got home, He lined up some videos to help me worship again.

Sometimes, when I can’t hear his love too well…he still knows how to get to me anyway. Wins my heart…every time. Dang it. He’s good!

PS: Did I mention Jesus left four comments on my blog yesterday! He told me where to shop!