Blushing

So, a few weeks ago, I took the kids to McDonald’s.  We had a house guest and somehow they lured me out for breakfast.  There was a pleasant older man sitting at the table next to me with a box of Christmas cards he said were from the Hallmark store.  They had a picture of bright red rain boots sitting in a pile of snow.  Another had some watering cans with holly spilling out of them.  I love when photographers can make the ordinary beautiful, so I couldn’t resist complimenting the cards.  He was in town concerning some family member in the hospital.  I had overheard a cell-phone conversation.  The tables were quite close–I couldn’t help it.  He changed his plans to visit because they weren’t up to company, finished his cards, carefully placing stamps from a little round tin container which he brought with him, into McDonalds  (I just seem to enjoy the effort of those careful processes more in this techno-age we live in).

Anyway, when he left, he left a newspaper on the table.  I hate newspapers.  But, nothing else to do, I started looking through it while the kids got their fill on McDonalds new touch-screen games located at a few of the highly coveted tables, tables I like to refer to as “germ infested zones”.  I don’t sit there.  I’m not happy about the kids sitting there.  I don’t like video games, and I don’t like them during meals.  But, hey…I get to read, if I remember to bring a book, which…I didn’t.  Newspaper.

Set apart, I perused the paper a bit, “enculturating myself”.  Did I mention, perhaps, that I pretty much HATE newspapers?  Yeah.  I’ll say it again until the day I die.  My husband reads them and tells me the good stuff to note.  Yup, I’m sure I miss some great stuff.  And, we do take the local paper… I read the front page.  I hardly ever open it beyond that unless my kids or family members are pictured in it…or unless I put something in it.  I’d rather read it on-line.  Why?  I don’t know.  It’s a marvel to all my clued-in friends.  Let me see: the size is inconvenient, the content is long and scattered, and the writing is usually hidden in bias no matter how you look at is (okay, so perhaps all writing is…fair enough, but, don’t stop reading now, this is just getting to the good part). 

So, I was reading a paper.  I felt very grown up.  If only McDonalds served decent coffee.  I HATE McDonald’s coffee, too.  No amount of cream or sugar covers bitter in my book.  The Hub can have a hey-day with it, and I’m glad he enjoys himself, but woe to me if I dare need a drink on a trip and didn’t get something for myself. 

I was sitting there, NOT drinking my Saturday morning treat of The Hub’s sepcial coffee he fixes for me, when I ran across the dining section (dreaming of a better place, perhaps, where there are no germ infested zones filled with video games).  There was an article about a very quaint and cool sounding Filipino restaurant that caught my eye.  The review was just delightful to read, and it, of course, caught my attention because our pastor and family used to serve there as missionaries.  So, I tore the little article out and thought, I’ll pass this on.  Maybe when they  go to see their daughters in “the city”, they’d like to check it out.

About that time, I stood up, having accomplished something to give back to the world in my exercise in paper reading for the year, donned my coat, and turned to give the kids their summons for the end of all cool entertainment for the hour.  I was enculturated, mature from paper reading, and in charge of myself, the world, and my crew. 

At that moment, an even more elderly gentlemen in a bold, almost growling, certainly gruff tone, barked at me rather loudly across the way (while my clipping is still waving in the air, proud that I’d done something), “You about done with my paper, yet?”

I turned and looked back at the table where I’d left the paper, willing it to levitate across the room to the man.  It did not cooperate.  I turned back, realizing I’d made some error, apparently.

“Oh my goodness!  That was YOUR paper?  I thought the man here left it or that it was the store’s!  I’m so sorry!  Well, yes, here…and I only tore out a sort of ad. It was for a Filipino restaurant.”

The whole table looked up with interest, curiosity peaked, eyebrows raised. 

“Well, it’s for my PASTOR.  He was a missionary there, you know.  In the Philippines.”  I stumbled through the whole thing to him and his “friends”, skipping any sense of relevance and eliminating a lot of key words I have no doubt.  They were somewhat amused, but seem used to the gruff old man’s manner.  They asked who my pastor was. 

Finally, it occurred to me that I was using the pastor to cover for my over-active sense of conscious, and I just moved on, all the while wondering why gentlemen #1 didn’t give it BACK to gentleman #2!  Gasp. 

That is still a mystery to me.  Perhaps he was probably worried about not messing up the fresh ink on his Christmas cards, an act which I would highly respect.  I imagine so.  Therefore, I forgive the oversite.

Moving to today.  Fast forward a few weeks.  I’m cleaning house with a “do it now or throw it out” philosophy, and there is The Newspaper Article I stole, still sitting there, un-used, after all that. 

I think to myself, I should look this up on-line and see if I can just sent a link to the story–I’ll never remember to have it with me to share with them.  Google to the rescue. First hit, I found a link to another good-looking review of the same restaurant like the one I found WITH a map.  I could sent that, too.  THIS article included a picture {I’m so curious} of the… 

“minuscule, humble, bright, and warm” restaurant where “seating is restricted to a mere six tables–but they’re topped with cheery blue and yellow tiles.  The floor is well-trodden linoleum–but paper lanterns suspended from the ceiling gave off a cozy, tropical comfort.  A sprinkling of art and artifacts speaks to the restaurant’s Filipino heritage.”  (courier-journal quote)

Doesn’t that sound wonderful? 

Yeah, okay, so now…this is what I saw:  The Restaurant.  Is that how YOUR review would have read?

Options for Relationship Problems

Thank everyone for praying.  Not that you want to read more about it, but I need to get it out of my head.  I am aware that this is not good blog writing, it is too long, and it is simply for the purpose of venting, which may need to go elsewhere, but I’m too tired for a pen and ink. 

Perhaps the sharing of it will be something someone else can identify with.  No answers.  A lot of questions. 

Perhaps it will raise good conversation amongst you all (which I’m not currently in the mood to contribute toward, but would enjoy reading your discussion via comments…let ‘er rip!).  Thanks for your endearing “blog-ship” (to coin a new term of my very own!  Hey, that was fun…a new word!)  

Where I started fifteen minutes ago for lack of ability to have a good quiet time, trying to diagnose myself and move on: 

1.  Think that people are big enough to get over stuff without addressing it.  It’s piddly.  A bad reaction.  A moment.

2.  Imagine there are other things going on besides me, and get over it myself

3.  Pray about it. Assume it can’t be all me.  I’m not a bad person.

4.  Get mad mad about it.  I deserve better than that.

5.  Do other things and distract myself as if it’s not on my mind and doesn’t matter.

6.  Send a lengthy email and feel stupid about it.  Don’t do that.  It’s the worst.

7.  Assume problems happen everyday and a single one is not significant enough to pay it regard at all.  The other person probably doesn’t know they did anything.  Or doesn’t care.  Or is just borderline rude to most everyone with the slightest of stress.  (Actually, pretty true here.)

8.  Get really quiet and totally frustrated as if nothing in life matters if basic things can’t be worked out better

9.  Get a headache, take a nap.

10.  Be in denial.  There is not problem.  It is all in my head.  I am too sensitive.

11.  Blame other person for not being sensitive enough.

12.  Blame self for being too sensitive. symapthetic.

13.  Try short email to show concern.  (Did that…”You okay?  Be blessed.  You are such a blessing!”

14.  Vow to not work with people who I cannot, ever, understand and always end up stressing over.

15.  Assume everyone else has just learned to blow it off.  Biblical models no longer apply for piddly infarctions of rudeness.

16.  Wonder if that is healthy…and why rudeness spoils so many of my days lately.

17.  Ponder calling, but decide that’s overplaying it.

18.  Feel naseated from too many thoughts making me dizzy. 

19.  Decide caring about it is worth it.

20. Decide this is surely not “caring”, and if it is, it’s not worth my mental health.  

21.  Decide working for a good cause is bigger than “It”.

22. Decide that even a good cause is surely not worth “it”.  God never meant it to steal life.

23.  Go have a quiet time.

24.  Can’t have a quiet time…too irritable, naseated from spinning.

25.  Decide to sweep garage floor, clean kitchen to a hilt, get laundry caught up, and burn trash.  Release steam/stay productive.

26.  Dread holiday weekend with unresolved, piddly relational issue of undetermined ”yuckness” in the air.

27.  Decide it is not worth the cost of a favorite summer holiday.  God meant me to smile…even if it is “all me”. 

28.  Decide it is worth whatever it takes.

29.  Decide that overthinking is a fatal error.

30.  Decide that stopping thinking is impossible, no matter how hard one tries who cares.

31.  Wonder if these problems are inherent to certain groups of working relationships.  Wonder if I belong there.   

32.  Wonder how long these problems have to last, how they resolve except time and grace.  That the Biblical thing just doesn’t work best sometimes.  People need time.  And, somebody explain that to me Biblically.

33.  “According to the grace given you” keeps ringing in my head, and wonder if I have enough of it.

34.  Wonder how much grace a person should have, reasonably speaking.

35.  Know that people are not perfect.

36.  Are imperfect people still eternal jerks? 

37.  Do you have to keep walking with jerks, or do you just write them off until they get their act together?

38.  I am a jerk.

39.  So…now what?

40.  We are all jerks.

41.  There are problems only God can carry and handle. He knows we are all jerks.

42.  I can care, but I can’t bear the weight.  I’m not big enough.

43.  God reminds me I am big.  I can carry a lot.  That’s why I’m hear.  I need to carry it with grace. 

44.  But, I’m still not big enough, and that’s really why I’m anywhere I am.

45.  I am SO short fused and drained over one irritating situation.

46.  That is humbling.  It doesn’t speak well of my resiliency. 

47.  Wonder if I should quit, because it’s not worth it.

48.  Wonder if I should keep going, because it’s always worth it, and I can be bigger than troubles through Christ.

49.  Don’t want to continue with the work. Can’t do it today.  Need to do it today.  Had deadline today.  Can’t stop praying, today.

50.  Wonder if anyone else wants to keep going and how I got here anyway.  I don’t know what I’m doing.

51.  Don’t want to do it at all if there is no grace. 

52.  Wonder if it’s all a screen, and there is nothing of substance there after all.

53.  Wonder if there is something there, and that is why Satan is after it.

54.  Wonder if a person should just keep going, just keep walking, just keep doing “the thing”, or stop and wait.

55.  Wonder what the timing of God’s work feels like, and where the peace and healing is, because this feels like an emotional waste of time and energy.

56.  Wonder if calls would help, and decide they usually don’t, but sometimes they do, and sometimes I get hurt more, but it’s worth that risk, sometimes.  Don’t know.  Don’t call.   

57.  Keep getting emails of no substance “bling blong”, thinking it is the end, and it’s not. The phone rings (Ring…Ring)…nothing either.  And I’m still stuck, and disappointed.  And wonder what kind of magic dust I’m expecting, anyway. 

58.  More waiting. 

59.  Nothing.

60. Satan comes to steal, kill, and destroy. 

THAT is what I feel.  And a lot of it.  How do I stop this? And now abideth these, faith, hope, and love…but the greatest of these is love. 

So…I am to keep loving, even when it hurts. 

In case it’s all unclear….IT HURTS! 

But, then what?

Overdo, under-do.  Don’t do.  Do.  Pray.  Move on.  Still…the elephant in the room.  I never really felt a calling to be an elephant trainer, but that seems the name of the game…all the time.  To quote Joyce Meyer, “People…they’re everywhere!”

UPDATE:  After writing this and reading prayers, I was able to do the next part of my duty.  Thank you, Lord.  “Guard the work of your hands, Lord Jesus!”

Going to “War”

Fortunately my web browser was not set correctly to my own area!  Um…what exactly IS that for Friday?  Can anybody toss up speculation?  Looks PRETTY scary.

That’s about my internal climate, I think.  Totally indiagnosable.  I HATE that feeling.  Inward spinning, discontent, non-fixable, non-identifiable green cloud. 

I’ve decided that until I figure out what the forecast IS…I’d better stay inside for a while, try to hear, and try to keep going.  Totally unmotivated to do anything.  Just want to have some time to play.  I can’t even “play” when I want to play because my house is still a cluttered zone from a year’s worth of not “spring cleaning”.  So, maybe I’ll keep working until it gets ordered and I’ll feel a fresh sense of sparkling euphoria or something. 

I’ve been told 2-3 times in the last day when I’ve tried to share with caring “live” friends (who we ALL need, by the way)…”sounds like you are under attack”. 

I hate to admit that, because so much of my attack is self imposed I feel.  You know, believing lies, taking comments too far, overestimating the value of one conversation, not moving on in strength and power, knowing I’m not superhuman and all.

So, here’s a day to humanness…not so much “celebrating” it per se, just acknowledging it with thanksgiving that this is what God made, fallible people prone to injuring one another, misunderstanding, misinterpreting, mis-speaking, and pain.

And…we are made to house grace and blessing and restoration.  And we are made with a capacity to choose to trust God, give thanks in ALL things, and wear the shield of faith, and trust the breastplate of”right standing with Him”, and we can choose to put on the belt of truth, which is the word of God, covering our loins (which in Bible times is said to be where the ‘heart of hearts’ resides), and we can wield the sword of the spirit as a mighty tool to cast down plans of the enemy against our children, our homes, our schools, our jobs, our priorities, our attitudes…for the word of God is MIGHTY TO THE PULLING DOWN of strongholds!

Something got a hold on you?  Some green cloud–sort of sketchy why it’s even there?  Join me in seeking the face and the word of the Father intentionally with great purpose, fortitude, desire, strength, and incessant search until He breaks the thing that holds you captive.

In Jesus’ Strong and Mighty Name I pray,

Amen.

words, words

An older friend of mine makes some statements that, while true, strike me oddly.  I guess because I realize I don’t think about things in the same terms she does.

She will say, “I was just trying to be a ‘good Christian’ and do the right thing.”  She describes someone she likes as a “good Christian person”.

To be defined or described as a “good Christian” person?  Doing the “Christian thing”?  As if we are doing somebody a favor?  No.  We are saving OURSELVES from death! 

Would she describe any kind of truly Christian behavior as “bad” Christian behavior?  No…it’s either “Christian” or it’s not.  “Good” …where is the room for any judgment on our part?  It’s either obedient or disobedient.  If it’s obedient, it is obedience to Christ and that is good, irregardless of how we think about it. 

I see no alternative–the Christian life IS the life of the disciple, laying down his or her life.  Not just making the choice to do a “right thing” in the face of disagreeable people (the example she gave).   

To make Jesus LORD IS to agree to follow. 

I cannot imagine or fathom a life of a poor Christian soul who is not a disciple!  That would have to be almost more woe-ful than to not know Jesus at all!  You’d have to be so disillusioned with the whole thing…by your own doing!  A self-imposed prison cell with no joy or peace I dare say! 

I guess it’s all fine and probably her way of giving compliments.  It just strikes me as very odd to my mental functioning to describe people or self in those terms for some reason.  I’m not sure I am making sense.

Oh America

Morning-after pill to be sold without prescription (CNN Top Story Today if this Link doesn’t work)

Well, that’s enough to give me a morning’s sadness and indigestion.

Tip:  If you are already feeling low, don’t seek the news, or TV for “entertainment”.  Geez.

Uggh! Ouch! Arrrrggh!

Update:  Scriptures memorized in extended winter seasons interject into thoughts as I cook supper, banging pans into kitchen cabinets, much to distress of everyone around me. (Belt of truth).  Still refusing to speak about it until I find more grace on the subject.  Breathing deep.  Tears spring, stomach aches, but these bring focus and help to my heart:

1. “If you falter in times of trouble, how small is your strength.”  (ref. if needed look up at  Biblegateway)
2. “If the light within you is darkness, how great then is that darkness.”(ref. if needed find at search  Biblegateway)
3. “When anxiety was great within me, your consolation brought joy to my soul”. Ps: 94:18-20.
4. “You are my refuge and strength, an ever present help in times of trouble.”  ref…Psalms ((ref.  look up at  Biblegateway)
5. “He who prays for wisdom and then doubts that he will have what he asks for is like a ship blown and tossed by the waves, unstable in all his ways.”  (NT…ref.  look up at  Biblegateway)

*———————–*————————–

Today.  I quit. 

Everything. 

If He tells me to do it, I will. 

Other than that.  I’m dead. 

As it probably should be every day, and I try to make it that way, but even more so today. 

It’s just easier that way. 

Totally frustrated. Waiting.  I hate it. 

Constant stress.  Constant pressure.  Constant decisions.  Constant challenges.  One push after the next.  

Am I making it harder than it is?  Worrying? 

I don’t know.  I give up.

Is this the life of becoming a disciple?  I know it is, and my stomach shouldn’t hurt, but it does.  I’m trying not to crack.  Not to bend.  To stand firm and see the deliverance of the Lord.  To “stand firm…and after I’ve done everything, to stand”.  To “be still”, but I’m squirming.

I try.  Always a fight, always at war.  This is life. 

But, He is faithful.  Always.  If not…there is nothing! 

I will wait.  Fitfully waiting.  Trying to wait until he’s proven himself unfaithful before I throw a fit.

Until further notice of improved situations and prayers answered I need answered.

Holding. Given up.

“Mag” 

Left Behind Video Game Review Link

Review of new “Left Behind” video game set to be released this fall  The game is expected to get a T for teen rating.  Players are penalized “spirit points” for innappropriate killing in NYC? 

I’m confused.