Cup of Coffee on a Sunday Night and Some Burnt Toaster Struddles

Tonight, dark.  Stillness.  Fighting off a headache that hit at 1PM.

I woke this day, still battling the winter “blek”.  Virus after virus, strep, bronchitis…all since Dec. 1.  My feminine side can’t figure it out and takes revenge on me, too.  Wacky, mixed up, broken, self-crying-out-for-health.  Feeling the betrayal of being human.  Getting rested up, all for one event, then crashing low.  Time after time.  Wishing I were stronger.  Seeing myself in the frailty of weak people I detest, too weak to get better.  Get up!  Recover!  Rest!  Take care of yourself!  Slow down!  Watch balance!  Think well thoughts!  Eat and treat yourself!

And a micro step at a time, I feel some better.  And a lot of the time, I still feel tired, sick, and recovering from a long winter.  There were perks.  Time to take care of some quiet chores I save for such days.  Yet, there is a longing for eyes that don’t quint with pain from the new light of spring, but welcome it with the joy it deserves.

While the family is at church, I relish the intense quiet.  Dark.  Time to get real with God and pour it all out…what is bugging me.  Time to catch my breath.  To deal with me only.

I made some rich decaf, burnt some Toaster Struddels covered in self-made icing (why do the last two always fall out of the box into the recesses of the overstuffed freezer?) and sat down to a screen still open from earlier this week when I’d pulled it up, but not had time to read.  Waiting on me.  For this moment.

I have followed Ann V. for a long time and just feel in love with her heart.  Have talked with her by email several times.  The real deal.  Though our lives are different, our hearts our the same.  Always takes me back to center to read her strands of life.  I have thought often this week that I need to get back into the discipline of joy and thanksgiving.  No dread.  No fear.  No wondering what could possibly happen with my body next week to make me mad at it.  Our churches challenges to “God Sightings” is similar, and I will merge the two.

Though my head colds haven’t allowed me to enjoy much reading time, I get four changes to start over on the challenge to read the New Testament in a way:  Matthew, Mark, Luke, John.  Here we go with Mark.  I’ll try again this month.

I shared a thanks entry at Ann’s new Zondervan site tonight.  I’m so proud of what God is doing in Ann’s life and through her testimony.

“Be thankful in all things.”  Go, Ann!  God is with you!

For tonight, quiet worship, black and white keys, pecking out chords, searching for newness, for spring after winter.

Lord, help me to get there. To climb out, and go slow, and be willing to just keep moving, whatever the day brings. You are God. I am human. And it’s okay.

Amen.

Mulling

Mulling James 1 this week:

• prayerfulness

From the Message:  “If you don’t know what you’re doing, pray to the Father. He loves to help. You’ll get his help, and won’t be condescended to when you ask for it. Ask boldly, believingly, without a second thought. People who “worry their prayers” are like wind-whipped waves. Don’t think you’re going to get anything from the Master that way, adrift at sea, keeping all your options open.”

• direction

^“5If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him.”

• single-mindedness

^“6But when he asks, he must believe and not doubt, because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. ⁷That man should not think he will receive anything from the Lord; ⁸he is a double-minded man, unstable in all he does.” (NIV)

• no doubting/wavering

“But whoever catches a glimpse of the revealed counsel of God—the free life!—even out of the corner of his eye, and sticks with it, is no distracted scatterbrain but a man or woman of action. That person will find delight and affirmation in the action.” (The Message)

• authenticity

“There is nothing deceitful in God, nothing two-faced, nothing fickle.”

• joy and perseverance through hardship (not escapism)

“Consider it a sheer gift, friends, when tests and challenges come at you from all sides. You know that under pressure, your faith-life is forced into the open and shows its true colors. So don’t try to get out of anything prematurely. Let it do its work so you become mature and well-developed, not deficient in any way.”